New Calendar According to Golf

From the earliest days of man to this very moment every culture, ethnicity, tribe etc. has influenced, used or created a calendar. They based it on some constant - usually a reference date, and were able to further develop it from there. So, I've taken the liberty and created my own calendar...according to Golf.

Considering I live in the Northeast and our golf season is well, seasonal, it works like this: The year will normally start with January and proceed with February, March, Golfember and December. Wait...What?!?!? Golfember? WTF?!?! Yep! you heard right, Golfember, 244 days of golfing possibilities! Now in order to keep the chaos to a minimum, Golfember follows the 7 days a week pattern but has damn near 35 weeks in it.

Don't worry, all of the holidays are still there, for example: July 4th would be Golfember 95th and Thanksgiving would be...uhh...Thanksgiving, the thirty-fifth Thursday in Golfember. Ya dig? No more of that "What month are we in" crap! Meanwhile, we can implement all-new holidays. For example, wedged right in between Mother's Day and Father's Day, we can have Golfer's Day. That's where you give all the golfers in your life a present (balls, new clubs, etc.).

I know, this is exciting and it gets better. If you live in the southern part of the U.S., you lucky devils will have the option to combine January, February and March into Golfuary. Hence the calendar would be Golfuary, Golfember and December. My reasoning for keeping December is because of the great holidays that fall in that month. You know, all that giving and receiving and eating and visiting family. It's just too much of a good thing to change.

So, in this crazy complex world we live in, I believe a little streamlining and simplifying would be refreshing...and very much welcome. As far-fetched as this may be, I think cabin-fever is setting in already and it's only been a few days since my season ended! How long til Golfmas?

Turkey on the Table and Clubs in the Attic

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Of all the holidays, this one leaves me with mixed emotions - I appreciate the "giving thanks" aspect...the food, the family, etc., but this time of year also marks the official end to my golf season.

I feel like I'm a late-season golfer. Many of my golf buddies stow the old battle-sticks in the basement or attic by the end of October. Heck, here in the States, the start of (American) football in early September usually brings and end to many Saturday and Sunday tee-times. But I carry on, playing through the first few weeks in November.

The end-all for me is when I have to put on more than a windbreaker or sweater. When that happens (and my swing is subsequently compromised), I'm done till Spring - and usually that means the week of Thanksgiving - in fact, I can't remember the last time I played a round in December here in New England.

So I'll settle-in tomorrow after stuffing myself similar to which the bird I devoured was stuffed; watch the Lions lose to the Packers; re-watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the 472nd time; and fall asleep on the couch.

Yet there are memories to give thanks for beyond the ordinary: The thought of walking 18-holes on a warm summer day; the thud the ball makes when landing on a soft green in regulation; the feeling you get when everything clicks on a drive; to make the turkey gobble on a long putt...

Yes, if you're in my boat, where golf lays dormant till April...take a second tomorrow - gaze out the window, across the carpet of auburn leaves and remember all the things you can give thanks for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 2)

A little over a week ago I gave everyone a bit of a look into my personal life as I was telling you about wife #1 - The wife who hates when I golf. This week, we are going to look into wife #2 - The wife who doesn't mind when I golf and, often times, is happy to see me get the hell out of the house. Obviously, this is my favorite one-third of my three-part wife.

One would have to wonder how she can go from hating when I golf, to pretty much handing my clubs to me and forcing me out the front door. I want to ask, but I'm afraid to. When she is pretty much telling me to get out of here, I don't want to give her any reason to change her mind. So I just grab my keys and go. But I do wonder "Why did she make a stink last Saturday but couldn't wait to get me out this time?" So I've come up with a few ideas on my own:

#1 - She loves me and she wants me to be happy doing something she knows I love to do. No, this can't be it.

#2 - She has learned that, many times, I am more useful out of the house than in. I figure this is a strong possibility. It's no secret most of us husbands are kept around by our wives for two reasons - opening jars and squishing bugs. Most of the remaining can all be done by the wife herself - and often times done better. I'll give it to my wife...she simply does a better job than me at many of the household chores....or does she? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Fellas, you know what I'm talking about. Bill Cosby? Screw it up bad enough and you won't have to do it again? Sometimes it works. But in hindsight...this may not be the answer either. See, my wife caught onto my tricks pretty quickly. I figured when I dropped a colorful new undergarment into a load of bleach-filled whites, I was home free. Wrong. I tried again with a new comforter. I practically managed to get that one shrunken down to what a candy company would consider "Fun Size." Still no good. So after another lesson and the threat of my wife shrinking something else down to "fun size"...I don't screw up the laundry anymore. So the best I can come up with is....

#3 - She's just so sick of looking at me growing roots into the couch. This is the best I can come up with. I'll get out of bed, head down to the living room, turn on the TV, and fall asleep again in front of ESPN. I'll wake up just in time to put the game on, then fall asleep again from innings two through eight. Hey, if God thought it was OK to rest one day, then it should be OK for me also right? My wife says when I can create an entire world in six days, better yet, when I can consistently do ANYTHING for six days, then I can sleep on the couch all day long if I would like. But until then.... She has a point. But rather than argue with me about it, or try to do everything around me, she sends me golfing. This has to be it.

But upon thinking about it, I don't really care what the reason is, as long as it continues to happen. And I'll NEVER ask. It's like asking my mechanic about the technical aspect of my cars latest problem. I don't give a crap. Does it work properly now? Is that annoying sound gone? That's all I need to know.

As long as that one part of my wife will continue to recommend I golf and force me out when it's time to do so, that's all I need to know. Now if I can just work on the other two parts.

Check back next week for Part 3 - When She Wants To Golf With Me. NQ35ZGSWSMZU

The Greatest Golf Rule

1-4. Points Not Covered by Rules

"If any point in dispute is not covered by the Rules, the decision should be made in accordance with equity."

So, let me get this straight - the USGA researches, reviews, implements and revises rules for golf every so often, right? Why? As stated above with Rule 1-4, the USGA has chiseled in stone the ultimate "Watch Their Ass" rule. This pretty much says if it's not in the book then YOU make a FAIR judgment call and get on with it because it's...a...rule...in...the...book. Huh? I know, confusing, but what an incredible stroke of genius! It technically means the rule book covers every situation there could be, even if it's not in the book! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The USGA's rules and regulations committee have given themselves a ridiculous amount of leverage. They can dictate when or if they will be revising the rules simply because Rule 1-4 covers it all. If PGA officials approach the committee with " We've had an unusual situation this past..." The USGA can interrupt with: "Hold it right there Skippy...Rule motherf$%#in' 1-4...Now if you don't mind you're interfering with my nap."

Could you imagine if this was a law passed by congress? "If any point in dispute is not covered by Constitutional, codified, uncodified, federal, state or territorial laws set forth by the appropriate means for jurisdiction within the United States of America , then you guys work it out fair n' square cuz' we said so and it's the law, bitches!" Still got that pipe lying around?

Will the Slow Golfers Please Get the Hell Out of the Way?

Authors Note: While I realize I'm preaching to the choir by posting this to such an audience (e.g. the golf blogger-sphere), it's my hope the message contained here will disseminate down to those informally teaching new golfers.

"Let's go, while we're young!" Said Al Czervik to Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood Country Club in the movie Caddyshack. Slow play on the golf course is such an obvious part of the game, it has become ingrained into Hollywood fiction. More recently, Larry David "murdered" a man on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm because he was golfing too slowly. Alas, hazards on the golf course don't stop at ponds and bunkers.

Golfers who have been playing the game for any length of time will tell tales of the inevitable slow group in front of them. In fact, I'd argue that we're so prone to thinking the group we follow is slow, that it could be Tiger and Phil ahead of us and we'd still be ready to hit into them!

Typically, I'd say I'm pretty tolerant of a slow foursome (at least compared to my normal playing partners). But recently, we got stuck behind the slowest group I have ever seen in the 20-plus years I've been golfing! This group was just awful - especially one guy in particular, who we began calling "Red" (because he was wearing an equally awful red shirt).

For most of the round, the normal annoyances of playing behind a slow group were evident - you know, waiting at every tee and in every fairway; not staying loose - losing your rhythm and swing timing, etc.

But then something happened that set this experience apart from all other instances: At one point, as we we're waiting on the 14th tee, Red drives back towards us in his cart. As he approached the tee, he asked us to step aside so he can re-hit because he couldn't find his drive!

WTF?!

I once saw a sign on a course that read: "No one is offended by poor play; Everyone is offended by slow play." Now, I understand Red was playing by the rules, but come on! If you aren't in a tournament; you know you're struggling; you know there are people waiting behind you; Please, for the love of God, take-it-upon-yourself to bend the rules; pick up the pace; drop a ball; take an "X" on the hole and move on - or just let the group behind you play through!

But that was not the end of Red's audacity. Incidentally, he flubbed his second drive into the left woods and proceeded to spend about 5 minutes looking for his ball. Now up until this point, we had tolerated all of this nonsense for the mere fact we wanted to finish all 18-holes (for handicap purposes and the fact I like to finish what I start). But while Red was still searching for his ball - prolonging the inevitability of another re-tee, we drove past them and teed-off on 15 instead.

While I dislike incomplete rounds, slow play is just plain rude - especially when players clearly do not know the etiquette side of the game. Thus, I feel it necessary to implore of the choir - Is it too much to ask that we introduce new golfers to the etiquette-side of the game first, before we get into all of the rules? You've gotta crawl before you can walk - Initially, new golfers are going to stink regardless, so we mine-as-well teach them to be conscious of those behind them - rather than fussing over the explanation of every rule. Then, as they begin to understand what a good pace-of-play is on the course, they can learn more of the rules and begin taking the game more seriously.