Knock Strokes off your Score Instantly!

I was laying on my couch yesterday recovering from Saturday night's "therapy" session at the ol' watering hole and I had a game altering revelation. You see, I was watching the Golf Channel because a) the remote was too far away and b) I was zoning-out rather than really watching when this infomercial came on guaranteeing straighter and longer drives, lower scores, lower handicaps, better sex life, all for 20 installments of $19.95...you know the one.

Anyway, I cleared the fog out my head and started thinking of ways I can lower my score without lifting a finger (Hey, call me lazy but I like to refer to myself as super efficient). Anyway, I said to myself "If I had a gallery of spectators and a couple of field marshal's to see where my ball landed, I would never lose a ball again...for the most part." Seriously, how many times have you smacked the snot out of a drive or hit a nice iron and can't find it. You swear to every religious figure that the ball landed right there and *poof* it magically disappeared. Do you see where I'm going with this?

On average, I would say my ball "magically" disappears a couple times a round, and since I don't draw the masses when I hit the links, nor is there a field marshal to be found (at least where I play), I've decided to call this the "Pro Advantage Factor" or PAF. An automatic -2 off my score. Why not? Doesn't the PAF justify it? Everyone's PAF could be different depending on how many balls you "magically" lose. I mean the better you are the less help you need, right? So why do pro's have people helping them find their balls?

We stinky ones need all the help we can get. More PARS with PAF, that's what I say! This should play right along with the rules. Barring O.B., the next time you hit a Houdini don't sweat it, play the PAF card.

Round Rained Out? Tee-It-Up with Wii

This summer, gamers were chomping at the bit to get their hands on the new MotionPlus component of the Nintendo Wii gaming system. For three years now, the Wii has entertained old and young alike with motion-sensing, wireless remote controllers that allow users to act-out the movement of your arm in video bowling or the swing of a club in video golf. It's been all the rage and, in my opinion, far exceeds the fun from conventional "sit-on-your-couch" video game controllers.

But this year, Nintendo announced a new device (MotionPlus), which attaches to your existing Wii remote and greatly enhances the sensitivity of the controller - thus making your swings and movements more realistic on screen.

Much to my delight, one of the first games to take advantage of the MotionPlus adapter was Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10. The game, from EA Sports, gives users the ability to create themselves (fairly realistic looking) and then play their way from the amateur tour to the PGA Tour while competing against the likes of Tiger and other Tour pros - all on more than 20 realistically-rendered courses from around the globe (including Torrey Pines and St. Andrews).

I've been playing PGA Tour 10 on-and-off for about two months now and must say I truly enjoy it! In fact, it's about as close as you can come to a golf simulator in your home. I stand in front of the TV holding my Wii controller in an "addressing the ball" position and swing my normal golf swing. The Wii does the rest. It senses the speed of my swing, and if I turned my wrists in or out (resulting in a hook or slice), then simulates your ball's flight path.

Putting is just as realistic! Unlike many large golf simulators where you don't putt, PGA Tour 10 lets you putt like you would on the course. The MotionPlus is so sensitive, it will register a simple "tap-in" motion with ease. And one of the cooler features is the course weather. Since the Nintendo Wii has built-in Wi-Fi, Wii connects to the internet and simulates the weather conditions at the course you're playing. That's right! I was playing at Banff Springs in Canada on my Wii the other day and it was raining on the course (which actually shortens club distances and makes putting harder in the game). I checked the weather in Alberta, Canada on my computer and sure enough, it was raining there too! Should note this feature can be turned off.

If you own a Wii, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 retails for $70 (MotionPlus adapter included). Trust me it's worth it - since you're not swinging an actual club, I can usually get three or four 18-hole rounds in without much physical fatigue. Best of all, when it's dark or raining or snowing outside, you've got a tee-time anytime inside. Plus, you'll never have to yell fore (unless you want to enjoy watching the neighbors duck for cover)!

"You Picked your Head Up..."

That usually justifies a bad golf shot by an amateur. I mean really, it has nothing to do with the fact that we just stink at golf, right? "You didn't rotate your wrists...", Didn't rotate my wrists...!?!? Who the...I didn't know Hank Haney* was in our foursome. Thanks for the tip Skippy, now go get your shinebox! "What's that? My body wasn't square to the target...?" I'm sorry, but geometry was never my thing. Next time I'll be sure to have a protractor. Here's a little "reality golf lesson" for those that think they are golf instructors and must let you know what you are doing wrong.

1) If your business card does not say PGA professional (and can be confirmed), please...shut the ƒ#$% up!
2) If you have never been paid real money to give a golf lesson, please...shut the ƒ#$% up!
3) If your score is just as bad as everyone else's, please...shut the ƒ#$% up!
4) If you find yourself saying " I picked my head up" as a reason for bad golf, please...shut the ƒ#$% up!
5) And finally, if you don't know who I'm referring to, it's probably you, so please...

Now that I got that off my chest I shouldn't have a problem keeping my head down.

*Hank Haney is a golf instructor to the pro's...and wealthy retired pro athletes like Charles Barkley...btw, Sir Charles stinks at golf. How do I know? Well, Haney was quoted as saying "Charles' swing looked worse than Helen Keller trying to read." Don't listen to that hogwash Chuck, I still believe in you...call me, we'll do lunch.

With Sideshow Status Diminished, Wie Begins Career

Michelle Wie's career to this point had been basically relegated to a sideshow. "Come see the little girl take on the biggest and baddest male players in the game!"

Her sponsor, Nike, tossed oodles of cash at her family (I say her family because when your 14, signing multimillion-dollar deals and playing an event on the opposite sex's adult golf tour, you're most likely not calling the shots) and thrust her upon a national stage far removed from the innocent image of a young athlete with huge potential.

Initially, Nike's investment in Sideshow Shelly seemed to be working, as 14-year-old Michelle "Shelly" Wie (who also happens to be 6'-1" and can launch bombs 300+ yards) barely missed the cut at the PGA Tour's 2004 Sony Open in her home state of Hawaii.

But it was mostly downhill from there. In her mid-teens, Wie was clearly out-of-her-league in male events, and was struggling to hold her own in female events too. To make matters worse, she earned the reputation of a prima donna of sorts, withdrawing from tournaments in which she was playing wretchedly and blaming it on an injured wrist (or sometimes both wrists). Perhaps Ms. Wie suffered from legitimate wrist issues, but to the golf world (especially some LPGA members), it was just an excuse.

Fast-forward to 2009 and Ms. Wie is now old-enough to vote (though not yet to drink) and is making a name for herself on the LPGA tour. While she still doesn't have a win (2nd is her best finish), she has finally been playing like a consistent golf pro. And this helped her get selected to the Solheim Cup in Chicago this past weekend. For her part, Wie probably played the best golf of her career and was clearly the best golfer on the course, winning three of her four matches and halving the other.

But beyond her play this weekend, she showed team spirit. Her face was painted with an American flag, she used a stars and stripes ribbon to tie her ponytail, and she led the U.S. team around the 18th green for a victory lap after the match. Wie was more than a golfer this weekend; she was a fan. And it seems, for now at least, she's earned the respect of her fellow tour players.

Ms. Wie still has much to prove on the course, and much to put behind her from her past. But if she can play the way she did this weekend (e.g. to show she really and truly enjoys herself), she may one day drop the sideshow act altogether and take her rightful place as the main attraction. God knows a lack of main attractions has been a problem for golf of late.

Is Golf Exercise?

I was poking around the Internet recently when I came across some interesting reading. In an article asking the age-old question - whether golf is exercise or not - it appears amateur golfers are unhealthy. Really! There was even a study done (and you certainly can’t argue with a study)!

We amateur golfers are simply not in good condition, period. So what the article has me wondering is: Should I be surprised? Was it necessary for a “study” to be done to learn of this revolutionary information?

Do you think people who enjoy other sports fall into the same unhealthy category as amateur golfers? If so, why have I never seen those articles before? It’s funny how no one cares if the guys playing Tuesday night softball are fat. No one cares if a few guys who get together on Saturday morning for a game of basketball are out of shape. I don’t see any “studies” or articles about these guys. So why is it that people are concerned whether golf is good exercise or not?

First off, let's start with the difference between "amateur" golfers and "amateurs" in any other sport. The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines the word "amateur" as: "One who engages in a pursuit, study, science, or sport as a pastime rather than as a profession."

Based on that definition, everyone who occasionally plays golf is considered an amateur. But the problem is most people have their own take on the word "amateur." When most people hear or use the word "amateur," the implication is more along the lines of a collegiate athlete, a "semi-pro" or a person who is intent on turning pro. But if everyone out on a public golf course is considered an "amateur," then why are the guys playing a game of pick-up basketball not referred to as "amateurs?" When I sing in the shower, am I considered an amateur vocalist? The little lady certainly doesn’t think so.

Now consider this: According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), 66.3 percent of the general public in the US is considered overweight or obese. It seems kind of silly to narrow it down to just golfers when two out of every three people in the country have the same problem, whether they play golf or not! So, what does golf have to do with it? People in general are overweight. But at least we golfers are out of the house doing something.

So, is golf exercise? My answer: Who cares? Golf should not be about exercise! Do you think Tiger Woods stays in top physical condition by playing golf? Come on! He walks a few hundred yards, stops for a minute, swings a club, walks a couple hundred yards more, swings a club again, walks a bit more and wanders around a patch of grass for a few minutes. He then, more or less, repeats this 17 times (not too mention someone else is carrying his clubs for him)!

In the article I mentioned earlier, I read a line comparing the body of Tiger Woods to that of a 71-year old retiree playing a muni in Texas. Now obviously there is no real comparison and I’m sure very few golfers (or anyone for that matter) are in as good physical condition as the great Tiger Woods. But this guy is 71 and still playing the sport he enjoys! What made me chuckle is that this fact was completely overlooked!

Which brings me to this: Why are more golfers out of shape than people who play other sports? It’s very simple: The age range. How many 60 year olds do you know that are still playing basketball? How many 50 year olds are still playing football? How many 70 year olds still play softball? See what I mean? Yet all of these people fall into the very large age range of golfers.

My point is, for most people, golf is not a competitive sport, but rather a hobby. Something we do for fun. Some people collect stamps. Some people build model railroads. Some people play golf. I play golf for just that reason...fun. I spend some time with the guys, do something I enjoy, have lunch and drink a couple beers. Again, it’s for fun. If I get exercise at the same time, great! But that’s not what I play golf for.

Bottom line, if you’re looking for people who want to be in great shape, go to the gym or to the health food store. In the meantime, I’ll be on the course not getting enough exercise. Check back with me when I’m 75 and still doing the same thing.

Related posts:
The Truth About Walking the Golf Course
Hacking Away At Calories

Gathering My Thoughts Off the Course...

Hello fellow stinky golfers! I’m Chris, one of the founding fathers of this little endeavor we call Golfstinks and I’d like to welcome you to my first ever blog post…not just here but, anywhere! I don’t want to screw this up, so this morning I’m thinking about what I’m going to write and I’m trying to get some thoughts together.

Obviously, I want to talk about golf. I also want to talk about Golfstinks and maybe I want to mention how much my own game of golf literally stinks. But I can’t get my ideas all in one place. So where do I go to work out all of these golfing thoughts? Well, I go fishing of course!

And that gets me thinking how much golf and fishing have in common. Think about it - They’re both good outdoor summer sports. Just about anyone (young or old, big or slim) can participate. For the most part, both are pretty relaxing. Depending upon where you are, both sports can provide you with a very peaceful, serene setting. You can drink beer on the “field of play” (but unlike bowling, I don’t think it makes anyone a better golfer or fisherman). And finally, the saying is the same for both sports: A bad day golfing/fishing beats a good day at the office (though since I’m currently unemployed, like 9.4% of my fellow citizens, I don’t know how much this applies to me).

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is our team at Golfstinks is pretty excited about what we’ve got goin’ on here. I think we’ve got something that average stinky golfers have been waiting for. I know it’s something that I, as a stinky golfer, have been waiting for. So there has to be others out there like me, right? Well, if I’m wrong and no one cares about what we’re doing here, I can always try to start up fishingstinks.com.

Is Golf only for the Rich?

Today I read two distinctly different articles about golf in two different publications: One in The New York Times; and one on Golf.com. The NYT article was a dark portrait of golf and suggested that the game was unethical. The premise was based on comments made by Hugo Chávez that golf was, in essence, a rich-man's game, which the author (Randy Cohen) then used to justify why golf should not be an Olympic sport in 2016. Reading the article gives you the impression Mr. Cohen doesn't know much about the game.

Meanwhile, the Golf.com article was a glowing review of Sand Hills Golf Course in Nebraska. In his writing, the author, Joe Passov, paints a glorious picture of Sand Hills, citing the perfection of the land and gorgeous surroundings. He literally has you feeling like you're ready to book a flight to Nebraska to play this place. Then, in the last line, he hits you with this: "Sand Hills is difficult to get to — and even more difficult to get on. However, the layout's virtues — and influence — can't be underestimated. This is the greatest course of the last 50 years."

That's right, Sand Hills is private. It's the greatest course of the last 50 years and you can't even play it. For fun, I clicked on the link of Golf.com's list of "50 Greatest Courses of the last 50 Years" and guess what? THEY'RE ALL PRIVATE! [UPDATE: Thanks to Vince for pointing out a handful of the courses on the list are indeed open to the public - though at a steep price tag]

So the irony here is no matter how anti-golf and poorly researched the NYT article is, the Golf.com article backs-it-up. Golf is a game for the richies with private country club status - or at least that's how top publications (both mainstream and niche publications) are apparently projecting it. But the truth is you don't have to be rich to play golf anymore (believe me, I'm living proof). So how do we change it? It won't be easy, but a good start would be for golf publications to begin highlighting more public courses (and not just the Pebble Beach's of the world either) - there needs to be a shift in focus to more affordable courses too. Inexpensive courses may not be the most glamorous, but they are where more people learn, play and enjoy the game than anywhere else. Wherever the change comes from, let's hope it's soon.

The PGA Tour is Giving us a Complex

As the sport pages across the web breakdown every shot of Y.E. Yang's victory over Tiger Woods yesterday at the PGA Championship, we're left reminded about the vast degree of separation between the skill-level of pros and those of average Joes (consider the average golfer shoots 97). Forget Mr. Yang and Mr. Woods shot 70 and 75 respectively; instead consider they shot those scores from the championship tees, with millions watching and more than $1.3 million in prize money to the winner - it boggles the average golfer's mind (I can't break 90 from the white-tees, no money on the line and 3 people watching - and usually laughing).

I think this is why I don't watch golf on TV all that much (well, that and the fact you can literally watch the greens' grass grow while waiting for a pro to line-up his putt) - and it also explains why I don't really follow the PGA Tour. Don't get me wrong, I love this game (and can appreciate a good golfer), but those guys don't make me feel good about myself at all - they're constantly showing-off with their 65's and their 59's. Show me a tour with guys shooting 93 and 101 - all whom won some sort of lottery to get there, and all competing on TV with beer and a steak dinner as prize money (the trophy cup is literally a beer mug that you get to keep after you drink it).

See now THAT would inspire me and probably millions of other golfers around the world to boot. So while this small band of really good golfers (e.g. the PGA Tour) continues to insult average Joe golfers week-in and week-out, I'll be out on the local muni, having a few beers, smoking a cigar, listening to my friends complain about work and shooting a 97. FORE!

Does a Bear Crap in the Woods…

I don’t know, does a tiger fart on the course? You know…with all this hoopla and chatter about Tiger, his caddy Steve Williams, or a spectator letting one rip at the Buick Open made me realize; no matter how old you are or what predicament you may be in, a blast from the back door will damn near always make a grown man laugh (or smile at least). And the more serious the situation, the bigger of a laugh it will get.

Think about it, there’s two basic ways it could happen: 1) There’s the audible thunder-from-down-under that immediately gets heard and recognized, and 2) The ever so noxious bouquet of decaying Limburger cheese that with the silence of a ninja, covertly invades the nasal cavities of the unsuspecting victims around you. Either way, they loosen tension, lighten the mood and allow for humor and shenanigans. Hey, I think I’m on to something here…ship 1,000 tons of canned beans to the Middle East and end the turmoil already. It’ll be a fart fest for months. Come on, let’s give it up for a good ol’ Bronx cheer!

Fish in the Kitchen and Beans on the Grill…

Done a whole lotta pushin' just to get up that hill, and get us one of them deluxe apartments… Things are cookin' people! What’s up fellow golf hacks? My name is Pete and I’m an employee of Golfstinks. One of the first few, uh huh that’s right, o-riginal members. This is my first blog and my first venture into the business side of social media.

It’s been quite an eventful and educational journey for me so far. As we near our launch date (Spring 2010), it’s almost surreal to see this idea of ours come to fruition. Who am I kidding, I don’t want to work a regular job. This is a perfect spot for me…I golf, and stink at it btw, tell stories about it, hit a happy hour and punch out. Ok, ok, it’s not that easy. I am more on the marketing side of things and have, you know, the company image to worry about. Hopefully, it appeals to everyone but you can’t please them all…so please feel free to let me know what you would like to see in our online community for and by golfers (stinky ones at that, but golfers nonetheless).