Male-Only Golf Clubs: Sexist Bastards or Constitutional Right?

I wrote in a blog post the other day that golf is a "gentleman's game." My reference was rather tongue-in-cheek, but for some courses this is a literal truth. One would think men-only golf courses are in contradiction to what the USGA wants the game to become, yet it's hard to squash the constitutional rights of a privatized club. I'm clearly not the first to discuss this topic (most prominent in recent memory being the continuing controversy between Hootie and Martha), but I thought I'd give the fire a stoking.

"We aren't closed-door, wives and girlfriends can come out and have lunch. Really, the only thing they [women] can't do is play the golf course." - PGA professional Scott Walter (Bear Creek Golf Club, Denver Colorado).

Funny, I thought it used to be the only thing women couldn't do in the United States was vote, and we amended the Constitution to change that about 90 years ago.

Bear Creek is one of about a dozen clubs in the U.S. that don't allow women to play golf there. Others, such Augusta National, don't allow women members, while many more make it hard or undesirable for women to join (should note that while there are no women members at Augusta, a woman may be "invited" to play the course - especially a woman of notoriety, such as an LPGA player).

A course that is off-limits to women (both as members and players) is Southern Dunes in Phoenix, which has been the subject of a couple articles - one from travelgolf.com contributor Chris Baldwin. A few years ago, Mr. Baldwin had the opportunity to play Southern Dunes and subsequently penned the article "Defending the Undefendable: Men-Only Golf Clubs." In the assessment of his experience there, Mr. Baldwin relegated the membership to "a bunch of golf nerds, through and through."

Wrote Mr. Baldwin: "Let them be nerds! Women have their gyms where no men are allowed in to gawk at them in their stretch Spandex. They have Oprah. And any single or stay-at-home dad can tell you how open those playground clubs really are. Why can't a bunch of golf nerds have their own club?" I find it amusing that just because these guys are a bunch of nerds, we should overlook the fact that women can't play their course. And what nerds are members there? Here's a few: Former NFL defensive tackle Dan Saleaumua, former Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer and former Mets catcher Todd Hundley. Yep, those guys epitomize the word "nerd" in my book!

Mr. Baldwin suggests that while clearly a stereotype, women may actually induce a slower pace-of-play on the course. Too funny. He should read this related post at Real Women Golf. (I should note that Mr. Baldwin ultimately said he would never join a men-only club, claiming the guys there seem to take their golf game too seriously for his liking).

But here's the thing; Imagine you were on a quest to play Golf Digest's Top 100 courses (which has been accomplished multiple times by various men). If you are a woman, you can't do it. Is that fair? Up until the 1990's, if you were an African American man you couldn't play the top 100 either (and you may still be discouraged at some clubs today). That's just sad. Meanwhile, the USGA is concerned the sport is not attracting enough minorities and women. Hello?

To play devil's advocate for a second, this is a free country and private clubs should be able to exclude whoever they want, right? That got me wondering if there were any women-only golf clubs out there. Turns out there is one in North America...but it's not in the United States. In Canada, there's The Ladies' Golf Club of Toronto - and it's nearly 10-years older than Augusta National! But even these ladies' have softened a bit, as they now allow a limited number of men to become "guest card holders."

As a public golf course connoisseur, it's hard for me to imagine excluding anyone from playing on any course - if you know the etiquette of the game, I say tee-off. But I also understand the appeal of private memberships - I mean, your dues are paying for some type of exclusivity, right? But does that really have to exclude a gender? If you want male camaraderie, why can't your foursome be men-only? Or does it really kill the afternoon to see a group of women playing a few fairways over?

Bogies and Stogies; The Love Affair Golfers have with Cigars

I remember we were up in Saratoga, NY one summer hacking our way through a local track (golf, not horse). We had purchased some cigars downtown that day and while I don't recall the name, I do recall they tasted like candy (vanilla- tipped, I believe). I had to toss mine out after only a few minutes...the sugar made my mouth water so much, it turned the tip into mush. I remember thinking that if I took a swing with it in my mouth, it would have probably flown out and branded Stinky Golfer Pete on the forehead.

Nevertheless, I’m seeing more and more cigars on the course these days. Why is that I wonder? Are cigars and golf really meant for each other? It often seems the two are inseparable. One time, Stinky Golfer Chris pulled out a cigar tee - that's right, a piece of plastic he stuck in the ground next to his wooden ball tee. The wooden tee, of course, supported his ball and this piece of plastic supported Mr. Cigar. Anyway, as I watched Chris tee-off that day, I began to realize that cigars are as much a part of the game as fuzzy animal club-head covers.

Let’s face it, you can buy cigars in almost every 19th hole and in most upscale clubhouses. Why, even the MOFOBETE has a “We Card” sticker on the side of her snack bin. You may know Cigar Aficionado, the magazine for cigar smokers, used to sponsor the Montecrisco Cup (a pro-am golf event that was held in Puerto Rico) and currently has a page dedicated to golf on its website. On top of that, there's an actual Stogies & Bogies golf tournament located in the Chicago area.

So, it seems golf and cigars tied-the-knot some years ago. But, how did this marriage of bogies and stogies begin?

I guess I could attempt to find some evidence that points to a reason for this union, but many facts are obvious. For example, I surmise it’s partly because cigars project a sophistication of sorts - young players see older “executive types” cigaring-it-up while schmoozing with other VP’s on the course. Heck, the game of golf itself has rather hoity-toity undertones (after all, it's a gentleman's game); why not complete the look with a nice Macanudo hanging from your jaw?

But, before we transform ourselves into big, pompous gentlemen, there’s also the “mosquito theory.” We’ve all heard that one: light a cigar on the course to keep the bugs away. I’d say this is the number one excuse hackers like myself give for lighting up. But, does it really work? Some say yes, while others claim it's just an excuse they give their significant other to help explain-away the ashtray mouth. As for me, the jury’s still out...although, the last time I lit up on the course, the bugs disappeared (hear that, Honey)?

Other examples include those that say cigars help you relax before a round or a shot. And still others say it gives you something to enjoy while fishing your ball out of a creek. Whatever the reason, a percentage of golfers smoke cigars on the course, while others think: “Should I light one up too? I know I don’t smoke cigars anywhere else, but it seems the golf course is the place to do it.”

And that’s the funny thing; many people are cigar smokers only while golfing! It’s like those people who smoke cigarettes only while drinking. To me, this solidifies the notion that cigar smoking is somehow part of the game: Rule 26-1: If a ball is in or is lost in a water hazard, promptly light up a stogie as near as possible to the original position of the ball. I had to check my rulebook to make sure the previous statement was NOT in there!

In any event, I guess smoking a cigar while on the course is to toast the game of golf. For example, fathers pass out cigars for the birth of their baby; or you may light one as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve...in either case, you’re celebrating. With golf, people celebrate being one with nature, the time with friends, the birdie on 6 or the quadruple on 12. Bottom line, golf is just one of those games that makes you want to celebrate...the optional cancer stick is up to you.

Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 1)

Game improvement or WTF was I thinking?!?!?!?

Ok, so I did some research into the phenomenal business of golf-swing-aids* and couldn't help but take a step back and say "You gotta be F$%#in' kidding me!" Does this stuff really work? In Part 1 of this periodic series, I offer a little side-by-side comparison of what they say, and what I say. Enjoy…and please don’t take offense.



What they say: Get the Right Angle with Right Link! The Right Link teaches you the proper role of the right arm throughout the golf swing. It develops the width and full extension you need for a more powerful, on-plane swing.

What I say: Steve Austin, golfer, a man barely alive…Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic golfer. Steve Austin will be that golfer, better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster…



What they say: Swingyde will provide you with the feedback necessary to hinge the wrists correctly and assure that the face is perfectly square throughout the swing.
What I say: Holy $%#@!!! Vishnu has reincarnated to an amateur golfer people, amazing!



What they say: LASER PUTTER: This is a laser light attached to your regular putter; it will allow you to see where you are actually lining up the putter.

What I say: By some freak accident the Military Channel and the Golf Channel’s broadcast signal bounced off the same satellite at the same time and this is what happened (Thank you, Thank you! This took me some time to come up with…).



What they say: The purpose of the impact bag is to train your muscles to learn the point your club is supposed to impact the ball. By repeating your swing over and over into the bag, hitting the proper spot every time, you develop muscle memory.

What I say: Muscle memory? Bull feces! If you suck, you’re muscles are just going to remember to slice it two fairways over instead of one.




What they say: This golf swing trainer is designed to provide golfers with the swing mechanics and consistency needed to reinforce proper weight shift.

What I say: Correct me if I’m wrong but, I believe if you work in a warehouse they give you one of these for free…



What they say: The Explanar is a complete training system incorporating the swing plane, the biomechanics of the golf swing, and a fitness training aid.

What I say: You got some splainin’ to do, Explanar! How the hell did you manage to take out the ceiling fan, the urn with grandpa’s ashes and the glass top to the coffe table? Oh, right…game improvement. Forget game improvement, I think Explanar has a future in home improvement.



What they say: I couldn’t imagine what they could say.

What I say: How the F$%# do you play 18 holes with this contraption? Looks like someone is a closet S&M fan...kinky.

Related Posts: Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 2)

*Disclaimer: I stink at golf and am in no way an expert on golf, game improvement or anything of its likeness. Please note that this was done for humor and not intended to harm anyone or anything. If you do not find this funny, sorry Bub.

Golf's Proper Place

"I reached a point where I felt that my profession required more of my time and effort, leaving golf in its proper place, a means of obtaining recreation and enjoyment." - Bobby Jones on his retirement from golf in 1930.

At age 28 Bobby Jones realized, like many of us, what's really important in life: “My wife and my children came first; then my profession; finally, and never in a life by itself, came golf."

The average weekend golfer plays 21 rounds a year but we all wish we could play more. Mr. Jones, when competing, played about 80 rounds a year - still far less than what his fellow competitors were churning out annually. Yet his raw talent allowed him to not only excel at the sport, but become immortalized as one of golf's greatest legends.

Because of his sparse playing schedule, Mr. Jones has been called golf's greatest part-time golfer. For only three months during the year, Bobby competed in the major tournaments and then retired back to other matters - usually surrounding his education (he held degrees in Mechanical Engineering from Georgia Tech; in English from Harvard College; and in Law from Emory University). And he was also a family-man, with a wife and three children to spend time with.

When Bobby Jones retired in 1930, he was at the peak of his career; still in his twenties; and having just completed what is widely considered the greatest achievement ever in the history of golf - winning golf's Grand Slam. But Mr. Jones digressed - removing himself from competitive play and relegating himself to the ranks of the weekend golfer. There's something inherently right with the phrase "quit while you're ahead" - it seems that those who do, inevitably enshrine themselves as legends of their craft.

As part-time golfers ourselves, we are sometimes discouraged at how infrequently we have the opportunity to play. We blame our high scores on our low number of rounds. And those of us who have not reached the age of retirement, long for the day we can play more often. But even a great player like Bobby Jones knew that golf was just a game - and he recognized that as with any competitive monetary sport, golf's true benefit can be easily lost:

"There seems to be little appreciation today that golf is an amateur game, developed and supported by those who love to play it."

It would have been understandable had Mr. Jones made the previous statement at the end of his life, but instead he wrote that in the letter announcing his retirement at age 28. Perhaps more amazingly, Bobby could have easily made a living playing professional golf - yet he never did, instead competing only as an amateur. Bobby Jones never saw golf as something you should bank your next meal on, rather he saw golf for what it was intended to be, "a means of obtaining recreation and enjoyment."

If you truly want to enjoy this game, you should never forget golf's proper place.

---

Since this is the week the Tour Championship makes its annual return to East Lake, the course where Bobby Jones grew up and learned to play golf, several members of the golf blogging community decided to pay tribute to the legend. Ten different blogs are featuring posts devoted to the life and legacy of Bobby Jones, each focusing on an aspect of Jones' life related to his or her blog; now that you've read our post, you'll find the rest of the list below. So before you watch the tournament, learn a few new things about the man who inspires it...enjoy.

Gayle Moss over at Golfgal has posted My Favorite Bobby Jones Golf Tips. She writes, "His swing was a bit unorthodox, but no one can deny his amazing talent. Here are some of my favorite swing tips from the self-taught legend - Bobby Jones."

Art Murphy from LifeandGolf gives us ...We Play the Ball Where It Lies, a collection of miscellaneous quips and quotes about golf and golfers from Bobby Jones.

Mike Southern at Ruthless Golf wonders Could Bobby Jones Have ‘Cut It' Against Today's Pros?, and shows us what science and Jones's own notes have to say about the debate.

Vince Spence from The One-Eye Golfer writes about An Affair to Remember - Bobby Jones and St. Andrews, as he looks at the affection of the champion golfer for the Old Course at St. Andrews, Scotland which started in 1921.

Boyer from Me and Old Man Par has chosen Bobby Jones' Competitors: Many of Them Were Good, One Was Great. "It is often thought that Bobby Jones showed up and crushed his competition on the way to another victory," Charles says. "The truth is that he had many worthy competitors and one, Walter Hagen, stood above all the others as Jones' most worthy competitor."

Michael Green at Aussie Golfer tells about Searching for Bobby Jones, where a search for Bobby Jones in Australia finds remarkable similarities to modern day golf.

Jon Blackburn from The Common Golfer looks at Bobby Jones: Golf's Original Common Golfer. It's a celebration of Bobby Jones' life, and what made him unique amongst his golfing peers.

Apryl DeLancey at Women Like Sports features in her weekly Wild World of Wednesday post about how good friends Alexa Sterling and Bobby Jones continued to play golf during WWI in order to raise money for a good cause.

And Ryan Ballengee from Waggle Room sends us a vlog from East Lake about how Jones' spirit influences the club and community today.

Do You Play Golf By The Rules?

Did you ever damage a club while you were out on the course? Of course you did. Did you continue to play with it? If it was anything less than snapped in half, then I'm sure many of you have. Well then, it's a good thing you're not on the tour. Because that's exactly what once happened to PGA Tour pro Anthony Kim, and he was disqualified.

During a 2008 tournament, Anthony damaged the face of his club on a sprinkler head but continued to use the club for the next two holes. When he brought the damage to the attention of the officials, they promptly DQ'd him. Reason being is the club was damaged by something other than "normal" golf play - like he damaged it on purpose to gain an advantage.

Seriously, what advantage could he gain by damaging the club? I know the rules are the rules, I get that. But at some point, common sense has to be brought into the mix.

For a sport that should, for the most part, boil down to - hit the ball, walk to it, hit it again, repeat until the ball is in the hole - they sure do make it complicated. I mean, every sport needs it's basic set of rules. And with golf, there are things to take into account that don't come into play in other sports. Things such as water hazards, cart paths, sand traps and out-of-bounds...basically, places the ball can be lost. But I have to tell you, there is no sport that has more rules which can be described in one simple word - Stupid.

Have you ever taken the time to look through the USGA rule book? I for one have not...but I understand that many golfers have and some really take it seriously. Since I haven't taken the time to look through the rules (and really have no intention of doing so), I'm just going by research and listening in on conversations. From what I understand, there are 34 basic rules to golf. But somehow these 34 rules turn into a 176 page book! After learning about and researching some oddball moments, I have to wonder if the people who write and amend these rules have ever played a sport. No wait, before that, I have to wonder if these people have a shred of common sense.

I think there are two problems that plague the USGA rules. I'll give you my opinions and then some examples. Problem #1 - Most sports (NFL, NBA, MLB) have a rules committee that meets once a year to review anything questionable and take some type of immediate action. The USGA? Once every four years. Problem #2 - Golf is still living in the "gentleman's game" and "honor system" dark ages. But the problems with that are: #1 - The game has changed over the years (in the Anthony Kim example, there were no sprinkler heads on courses in 1870). And #2 - some of the rules have evolved away from the "honor system" and the players are punished for it. Onto some examples and opinions.

Stewart Cink once hit a ball that landed on the edge of a fairway bunker (not in the bunker). When attempting to line up his next shot, he stepped into the bunker, out again, then promptly hit hit his ball into a green-side bunker. When his caddie raked the footprint in the bunker, Cink was DQ'd for "testing the surface of a hazard." Why is this rule stupid? Because his first ball was not in the bunker at all! The ruling implies that he was "testing the surface" because he was attempting to hit his next shot into the green-side bunker! Why the hell would he do that?! Plus, if his caddie didn't rake the trap, then where would he stand in the golf etiquette argument? Once again...common sense needs to enter into the mix somewhere.

Did you know that if you one-hand tap your ball into the hole, but are holding another club in your other hand, you should be hit with a two-stroke penalty? This is considered using two clubs. Why is this stupid? If I land a ball just off of the green, I will walk to the ball with both a wedge and my putter. If I chip the ball to within two inches, I will just carry both clubs over and save time by tapping in with one hand. We have all done it. But the rules would have me waste the time by placing the wedge down, line up the putt, then putt, then pick up my ball and wedge when done. This one is not bad, but it is an annoying rule which just causes wasted time.

Michelle Wie was once DQ'd after completion of her round because she failed to sign her scorecard before leaving the scoring area! Can you believe that?! A designated scoring area?! That has to be one of the single most asinine rules in ANY sport! The fact that all of these tournaments employ numerous officials and scorekeepers, and the player still has to keep their own score is ridiculous enough. But to have a designated scoring area? Is this a kindergarten class? Is that like a designated coloring book area? You sit in time-out if you talk in the designated napping area? Stupid.

Brandt Snedeker was once assessed a one-stroke penalty when he dropped his ball marker onto his ball, moving the ball in the process. OK, I sort of understand this one. But if he was to "accidentally" move the ball while he was placing his ball marker, that would be perfectly fine. What?! So he can move the ball while in the process of putting the marker down, but he accidentally drops the marker onto the ball and it's a penalty? Come on people! Get with it already! Stupid.

Here's a great one. If you have addressed your ball while it is on the green, and wind (or really anything besides your putter) moves the ball, then it's a one-stroke penalty. However, if you have not yet addressed your ball, then it's perfectly fine! A freak tornado can spring up and blow your ball right into the hole and it's fine...as long as you haven't addressed the ball yet. You laugh? Well I'm sure Padraig Harrington wasn't laughing when it happened to him at The Masters. Here are those same two words again...common sense. Now the rule-makers are expecting the players to predict weather patterns! Like your caddie is going to say "Hold on! Don't address that ball yet!! Don't you know there is a 28 MPH gust of wind expected to hit this green in approximately three seconds!! Yup....here it is now...and there goes your ball."

This one will answer an age old question/joke that happens on average once per foursome per round - If you knock your ball off of the tee while lining up your drive, there is no penalty. Just put the ball back on the tee and hit away. I wonder what happens if you don't knock it off, but the wind does?

Did you know it is legal to hit a ball while it is moving in a stream?

Here's another great one! Bart Bryant was once penalized two strokes for "allowing" playing partner Martin Laird to pat down the mark his ball left on the fringe. Laird however, was not penalized because the officials believed he was not trying to help Bryant. The worst parts of this are: #1 - Bryant simply answered "yes" to Laird's question "Is this your line?" Bryant did not ask that it be repaired. Laird took it upon himself to do so. #2 - The repair did nothing to assist Bryant as he was still 50 feet from the flag, in the rough! Common Sense. Stupid.

I'm sure there are hundreds, even thousands, more examples. Feel free to share 'em if you've got 'em. These are just a few that caught my interest. As I mentioned earlier...common sense has to enter the picture at some point. I understand rules are rules and if you're going to play a sport professionally, you have to know said rules. But bad or outdated rules have to be removed, changed, amended...whatever.

I can't imagine any hack like me being this particular and this serious about the rules. I know I'm not. My buddies and I play by the basic rules, but all of this other nonsense is just that. If you want to take the rules that seriously, then go right ahead. But I will tell you, if I ever get stuck playing with someone who is this much of a stickler and they start calling me on some of these things, before the end of the round they'll be walking funny and I'll need a new umbrella.

*This Post is on a Three-Second Delay

I've had it. It's been how long now? Am I really still hearing conversation about Tiger's most recent outburst at the PGA Championship? Was it really that big a deal? Did a professional athlete's cursing have that big an affect on you? Has it caused you a permanent emotional scar? If so, then here, let me offer you some advice if it's still bothering you that much......SHUT THE (bleep) UP!! I mean for (bleep) sake already! A pro athlete said a (bleep) swear! Well holy (bleep) (bleep)!! I never thought I'd see the (bleep) day!

Seriously now, have you never sat near the sidelines at a football game? Ever been anywhere near the field at a baseball game? And how about a basketball game? Even watching an NBA game on TV, there's so much (bleep) swearing you would think you were watching an episode of The Sopranos! Oh...but this is golf. I know, I know...golfers are better people. Golfers are above that. Etiquette, etiquette, etiquette..... (bleep) you! The guy got angry and he said (bleep). So the (bleep) what?!

Look, this is a professional athlete. And like most professional athletes, he takes his game and his performance seriously. He's angry at himself when he makes a mistake. He's not out there to (bleep) around. He's out there to win the (bleep) game. So he gets angry at himself when he (bleep) up. Big (bleep) deal. I realize many people have rehashed this issue due to the Serena Williams blow-up (another over-blown incident in my opinion). But there's no real comparison and therefore, no reason to even bring it up again. He swore at himself, not at another golfer. Not at a spectator. Not at an official. Not anyone. He swore at himself. You know what that is? That's fire, passion and a desire to win and to be the best at what he does getting the better of him. He's not going to tone it down and he shouldn't. You can't ask a professional athlete to "tone it down a bit." Especially for a television camera! The best athletes feed off of a desire inside. They use it as a fuel for their fire. It's happened to Tiger several times, and it's going to continue to happen not just to him, but to many other athletes as well. Don't blame Tiger when a microphone catches an F-bomb for millions to hear. If you want to blame someone, blame the TV networks!

That's right. Blame the (bleep) networks for not having a delay - God knows there have been enough incidents and "malfunctions" that they should have learned their lessons by now. As a matter of fact, blame the networks for having a stupid (bleep) microphone on the (bleep) tee to begin with! Why the (bleep) is it there anyway? It's only silence on the tee! We need a mic there to listen to how (bleep) quiet it is? "Oh, well we can hear the club hit the ball." Well whoop-dee-(bleep)-doo! Put it on a (bleep) delay then! Problem solved! These networks know what the microphone is going to pick up, not just from the athletes, but from the spectators as well. It's their fault if they don't take the proper precautions. This is a competitive sport. It's not a (bleep) television interview where it's a nice, peaceful, serene setting where the interviewer and interviewee are five feet apart, sitting in comfy chairs and dressed in suits. It's the middle of a (bleep) competition! It's the field of battle!

Even worse than the people who don't understand this are the idiots who talk and write about how classless Tiger is because of this. Yeah! Let's just forget about the Tiger Woods Foundation. Let's pretend the Tiger Woods Learning Center never existed. Let's not pay any attention to the numerous causes he supports such as education, family/parents, human rights and environmental issues. As a matter of fact, according to The Giving Back Fund (www.givingback.org) he, along with Lance Armstrong and Michael Jordan, are the top three "celebrity givers" among all athletes. He does more for complete strangers in six months than most people will do for their own friends and family in their entire (bleep) lives! But he cursed during a golf tournament, so he's classless? Shut the (bleep) up!

Look, as long as there are sports on TV, microphones will be around to pick up the occasional F-word. PGA golfers are competitive athletes, just like athletes in any other sport. In addition to that, they are human - just like you and I. They're not perfect - just like you an I. They swear - just like you and I.

Now get over it.

Shaft, Stroke, Head and Balls…

Have you ever had somebody walk-in on a golf conversation at the wrong time? As proper the terminology and content of the conversation may be, it’s still hard not to laugh when you overhear: “Hey, do you think my shaft is stiff enough?”

Come on, this is another great part of the game. How else can you use the words: shaft, stroke, head and balls in a conversation with an older lady and walk away without a sexual harassment charge? It’s the truth...childish but true.

Also, the word putter just makes me feel dirty. “Jack, on your way back grab my putter.” That sends a shiver down my spine. WTF! Seriously, yell that across the green and not smirk. How did golf get so unintentionally sexual? Am I the only one that gets a kick out of it? What are the odds that so many of the same terms would appear in both a porno and a golf outing - and I haven't even mentioned the cursing and swearing.

Sometimes, I like to go out on the course and see how far I can take it with people using these “words” - as well as making up some too. For example, the word extrapify doesn’t exist as far as I know. So, to me it’s money - the next time you're paired with some jackass, try saying the following: “Yeah, I think you need an extrapifier to separate the head from your shaft because the hozzle seems to be bad.”

Almost forgot the balls! Can't play without balls, right? "Between the rain and this humidity my balls are really sticking..." Really, if there was a top ten this should be on it. Everybody knows that you can't play with dirty balls so, we must embrace the ball washer and be damn proud of it. At least once a round you should proclaim how good it feels to wash your dirty balls!

Voilà! Just combo a few of these "words" together and observe - the fun that ensues will be both endless and priceless. So, go out there, have fun and yell fore!

You're not Good Enough to Play that Golf Course!

Take a look at the picture on the left - that's Stinky Golfer Chris flubbing his attempt out of a trap on a Gary Player-designed course. Now, based on that shot, do you think he should've saved his money rather than playing on a nice, upscale course? Believe it or not, many amateur golfers would answer "yes" to that question.

It just seems odd to me that so many people claim they won't play a good course because they're simply not good enough. Allow me to toss in my two cents here: That is the lamest excuse in the book! Find me where it's written that only good golfers can play on good courses. The mere notion is ridiculous.

However, let me take a step back for a moment to highlight the difference between "poor players" and "slow players." I once saw a sign at a course that read: "No one is offended by poor play, but everyone is offended by slow play." How true that statement is. But it's been my experience that the really slow players are usually the people that shouldn't be out on a course to begin with. These are people who have not been properly introduced to the etiquette-side of the game. So, as long as you understand when to pick-up-the-pace and not hold-up every foursome behind you, there's no reason to think you're "not good enough" to play a particular course.

Which brings me to the issue of money. People think, "I'd love to play Pebble Beach, but I'd just be throwing my money away." I feel like saying to them: "Really? Why play at all then? I mean, the next time you play the local muni, you're still gonna shoot 95, right? Why pay the $40? Just give up the game since you stink so bad. Take that $40 and go out to dinner instead."

Speaking of going out to dinner, we don't mind paying more at better restaurants, do we? In general, the best golf courses have the highest greens fees, which makes sense - In general, the best restaurants are usually pricier than your average eatery. Sure, you're not going to eat at the best place in town every night, but you probably would once or twice a year, perhaps on a special occasion? So why don't people rationalize this way for where they play golf?

Why do we golf? The answer is simple: We enjoy it. By golfing, we're rewarding ourselves, even when we play poorly. Want proof? We keep coming back for more no matter how bad our last outing was. Try this: Why did you go to that great steak house on your birthday, or that pricey Italian/Japanese fusion place on your anniversary? Do you have an answer? Now ask yourself why you shouldn't experience the best course around by playing the game you love there - even if it is only once or twice a year?

Do Golfers Golf on Their Off-Days?

After a weekend of shooting lights-out golf and earning one of those gigantic checks (literally), do you think Tiger, or any superstar golfer on the tour for that matter, ever gets the desire to just hit a local public course? I don’t necessarily mean some $12, play-all-day, military test ground-looking hell hole. I’m talking about a nice upscale public course with his buddies.

Better yet, when he was in his bachelor days, do you think he ever went on a date that consisted of dinner at Chili’s and eighteen holes of mini-golf? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s not exactly how he reeled in Elin. So if I had to guess, I would say probably not. But don’t laugh…those mini golf putts are tough! You could get some good practice with those uneven surfaces under the frayed and bunched-up carpets and the raised lip around the cup. Not to mention the windmill! Well, either it’s good practice or it will completely ruin your putting game.

Anyway, I would think between practice and tournaments, those rounds with his buddies will probably have to wait. Especially those rounds at the public course…those will likely never come. But it’s not just because he is who he is…it’s also because he’s doing his job, and probably doesn’t want to do more of it on his time off.

Along the same lines, can you picture a guy like Mario Andretti getting behind the wheel of a go-kart just for fun? What would be the point, right? That may be fun for a regular guy like me, but that’s because I don’t get to drive a hi-performance, bullet-with-wheels at 200+ MPH on a closed track.

What about a famous chef like Jacques Pepin? I would be willing to bet he doesn’t roll-out-of-bed every morning and whip himself up a crepe stuffed with shrimp, scallions and scallops in a velouté sauce. On a side note, do you think he ever just drops-in to his local Mickey D’s? Well…actually I can picture that one. To hell with Morgan Spurlock! World-class chef or not, how can you resist a quarter-pounder with cheese every once in a while? And he’s not cooking it anyway, right? Someone is preparing a meal (to a degree) for him for a change! But as I said, for the most part these guys are doing their jobs, which they probably don’t want to do on their days off. Think about it, would you want to?

Some examples: If you are a garbage collector, when you get home do you offer to take out your neighbor’s trash for them? If you are a veterinarian, do you wake up on Sunday morning, check to see if your dog’s nose is wet then proceed to give Rover a check-up by putting your finger in a place Rover would likely prefer you didn’t? Maybe you’re stuck alone in the office mailroom and you stuff envelopes all day for a living...something tells me you’re going to setup automatic bill payments through your bank. Maybe you’re the greeter at the front doors of Wal-Mart. If so, I would think you’ll probably not be inviting as many people to your home as you would if you were the envelope stuffer.

See my point? No? Maybe I don’t really see it either. It’s just something that crossed my mind. Maybe some people do the same stuff they do for a living on their time off. Maybe they enjoy it enough to do so. You know what they say – find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. I would imagine athletes don’t quite look at their “jobs” the same way the average worker does. So maybe golfers play golf on their off-days. I like to whenever I can. And for the dog’s sake, I hope the veterinarian does too.

Can you Golf Eco-Friendly?

Let's face it, regardless of whether you believe in global warming or not, as a golfer you should be doing all you can to help protect the environment we live in. After all, golf is a game that, aside from the cart paths, is played in nature's entire splendor. And if we inadvertently ruin nature, it wouldn't be much fun teeing-off from a driving range mat and hitting onto a green made of AstroTurf, would it?

So what can we as golfers do? By now, most of us have seen those cork-screw-shaped florescent light bulbs, chemical-free cleaning products and that Energy Star logo on our electronic toys...not to mention all the hybrid cars on the road these days.

But can you play golf more eco-friendly? Haven't given that notion much thought? Or wondering how that's even possible? Well, if you want to be green while on the green, here are some tips to get you started:

Tip # 1: Change your golf tees. According to Eco Golf, there are over 2 billion golf tees used in the United States annually. Two billion! That means millions of trees are cut down each year just to support your golf ball on a few drives. What's worse, sometimes tees don't even last a few drives, as many tend to break after just one swing (especially those new "long" tees people are using with oversized drivers). Ultimately, even if the tee doesn't break, we'll still forget to pick it up because we're either admiring our drive or swearing at it.

The good news is there are eco-friendly tees out there to buy. The aforementioned Eco Golf, located in Knox, Indiana, is one such company. It manufactures three different biodegradable tee styles which you can purchase directly from the company. Another option is the Bonfit Biodegradable Zero Friction Tee. I purchased a pack of 50 of these and they lasted me the entire season. Hey, tees may be a small thing, but all that wood adds up!

Tip # 2: Carry a non-plastic water bottle. So if golfers go through 2 billion tees every year, how many of those stupid cone-shaped 7 oz. cups would you say we go through in a year? Is it just me or do we fill-up those snow-cone cups about 10 times when we're thirsty? Not only is it annoying, but think of all the wasted paper and plastic!

The eco-friendly and healthy answer? Begin carrying a non-plastic water bottle like one from Klean Kanteen. I purchased a bottle from them last year - it fits perfectly in the bottle holder on my golf bag. It's much lighter than you'd expect too, and you don't have to wait till the next water jug or MOFOBETE to rehydrate.

Tip # 3: Leave the cart at the clubhouse (if possible). I'm sure I don't have to explain the environmental implications caused by gas golf carts, but this is a tough one to abide by for a couple reasons: First, many courses require you to take a cart (especially on the weekends) and second, many golfers simply can't play without one due to health reasons. For those of us fortunate enough to be able to walk 9- or 18-holes, we should probably avoid taking carts at all costs. If you must take a cart, try and stick to the "cart paths only rule" to limit gas usage. And, it wouldn't hurt to petition your course to switch over to electric carts either.

Tip # 4: Choose your golf balls wisely. According to the NGF, an estimated 2.5 billion golf balls are lost every year (and you thought you were the only one that stinks at this game). Up until recently, there weren't any biodegradable golf balls on the market. But now, you do have a biodegradable ball option for actual course play - Dixon Golf is touting the world's first 100 percent eco-friendly golf ball. According to the company, the Dixon "Earth" ball does not sacrifice any of the playability of normal two-piece balls, despite being constructed of all recycled materials.

But, if you're worried your balls will decompose in your bag between rounds, there are also used golf balls, like those from Used Golf Ball Deals. These are brand-name balls that are priced based on the amount of damage they have.

So there you have it - a few ways we golfers can help the environment. After all, we mine as well save a few trees to help compensate for the ones cut down to build the course in the first place.

Dear Charles Barkley... (a letter that I never really sent but, wouldn't mind if he read)

First of all, I want to thank you for the years of entertainment and inspiration you provided me as a youth. You're bold and honest attitude on-and-off the court wasn't necessarily that of role-model material (and I know how you feel about that) but, it was 100% respectable.

What I really want to tell you is, as much as you say you are not a role model, you're golf game (along with your attitude towards golf) is. I admire the fact that you go out there and play the game because you like it. As a former NBA All-star, I'm sure it's not that easy to play something you're not the best (or at least one of the best) at. You're just like every other average hack but more visible to the public eye.

You know what? (Here comes the shameless plug...) You would be a great spokesperson for golfstinks.com. The way you make pro instructors and those pompous wanna-be pro's cringe with your swing - it's absolutely fantastic! F@#%'em! Play your game, dammit! You make it okay for me to go out there in public (with my swing that looks like a five year old playing tee-ball) just because I love the game.

This is our schtick at Golfstinks. We love the game, borderline suck at it, and don't care because we're having fun. Isn't that what it's all about? Finally, I would like to say that you are a real person who's had run-ins (which were unfortunately slapped all over the media), but you overcame them. This, Sir Charles, is what makes the difference to me because your life and your golf swing are similar (e.g. they're not perfect)...Just like me.

Public Golf vs. Private Club: Familiarity or Variety?

Public golf course or private country club – which is better? It’s a debate that will continue on as long as the game of golf does. Unfortunately, it’s a rare occasion that your average weekend hack gets the opportunity to add a few divots to some exclusive private track. However, I was lucky enough to be given this chance and I can now offer my humble opinion. Right off the bat I can tell you, the country club life ain’t for everyone.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve played the very private TPC River Highlands (home of the Travelers Championship) right here in my home state of Connecticut, and it was downright amazing. The course itself was challenging, but not overbearing. The condition and maintenance of the course was exceptional and the staff was courteous and professional. All-in-all, this may have been the nicest course I’ve played up to this point. But, there’s more to this debate than just the course itself.

Some of the many fine points about TPC are rivaled by several public courses throughout the state at a fraction of the cost. At the time I played TPC, not only did I have to be invited by a member, but I had to shell out $180 to play. Other than Lake of Isles (ranked #85 on Golf Magazine's Top 100 You Can Play for 2008) this would rank as the costliest course in the state. Not to mention the necessary membership fee, which at last check started at $13,500 per year and could reach as high as $36,000! Many courses throughout the state, and all of New England for that matter, feature beautiful scenery - something TPC was lacking a bit. Most courses have friendly and helpful staffs. Also, all of the upscale public courses throughout the state (99 out of 100 times) are well-maintained.

Further, there’s the stereotype of the typical private course golfer. You know the one – nose-in-the-air, can’t understand how or why you would want to play a public course...they have the "it’s private so it must be better" attitude. It is just a stereotype and I would imagine most private course members do not reflect this, but there was a guy like that in my foursome at TPC. In my experience both on-and-off the links, the private course member seems to take his game a little too serious – almost as if it’s a job. Whereas a typical public course player is more about the fun of the game and the camaraderie that goes along with it. Again, these are only stereotypes and to each his own, but I’m out there to have a good time.

In my own opinion, spending the money to play a beautiful private course is worth it…one time – if you’re invited or playing in a tournament there, go for it. But ultimately, I prefer variety. I guess I could understand if all your friends were members – but I would still want to travel around to various courses and experience the differences each has to offer. It seems to me playing a different course week-to-week adds something more to the game, rather than playing at the same place time and again. I’m not sure about you, but in today’s economy, I would feel committed to only playing on that one course if I were shelling out the monetary equivalent of a small car every year. And I’m a man…stereotypically I’m not supposed to be good with commitment.

Learn to Speak Golf

Average golfers (that is the 99% of us that play this game) are bound by more than the fact we'll never make the pro tour. We are bound by more than just inconsistent scores and local municipal courses.

There's a camaraderie that develops the instant you shake the hand of your playing partner - a mutual understanding that you're both here at this $40 pay-and-play course on a Saturday, hoping the backup on the first tee will move quickly so you can still get home and mow the lawn. Yes, you've just met, yet you already know you've got a sport, and a language in common.

The language I'm speaking of is the language of golf, and it links all average golfers together. I read an article in The New York Times a few months ago that only scratched the surface regarding this notion of golf's unique language (in fact, the user comments served-up much better golf terminology than the article itself). But reading it not only reminded me what an integral part of the game it is, but it also got me excited to expand upon the Average Joe Golf Glossary we here at Golfstinks have been compiling for a few years now.

Ever hit a putt that stops at the edge of the cup but doesn't fall in? That's a Cuban. Why a Cuban? Because like the country, all the ball needed was one more revolution. Remember that time you hit a ball where no ball had ever gone before? I believe you were playing Trekkie Golf. How about hitting the ball left, then right, then left again? That's Army Golf. Remember you almost had a Cuban once, but ended up with a Photo Finish? Yeah, that's when the ball pauses for a second before dropping in the hole. The best part is no matter how bad your shot may have been, if your playing partner applies a good golf term to it, it's hard not to crack a smile. So please help us add to the list of terms, and let it be a resource for all the average Joe golfers out there. The fate of the game depends on us coming back for more golf - no matter how bad we stink!