Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 3)

Picture the scene: It's a spectacular Saturday morning. The sun is shining brightly, barely a cloud in the sky. It's warm, but there's a gentle breeze blowing making the temperature feel about as comfortable as it can get - warm enough for short-sleeves and shorts, but not so warm that you'll be sweating like a hog by the 8th hole.

It's the nicest day of the year by far. It's the perfect day for golf. Your clubs are clean and shiny, new spikes in the shoes, no sore muscles. You're all dressed and ready to go. You're just about to head out the door for another wonderful day on the course. And then it happens.

Have your ears deceived you? No. You heard it exactly right. Your wife just said "Maybe I'll come with you?" As if she was a Jeopardy contestant, she stated it in the form of a question. But you already know...that was no question. Nope. She just told you she's going with you.

People always say "It's not what you say, but how you say it." Normally that's true. But not in this case. In this case, it's both. It's what she said AND how she said it. But not believing your ears, you ask for confirmation anyway. I mean, it's possible she said something else and you misunderstood right? Maybe she said something that just sounded like it. Maybe she said "Who's going with you?" or "I think I'll wear blue." or "Hey honey, why don't you stay out as long as you would like, play golf for a while, drink beer and smoke cigars with your friends and come home whenever you feel like it?" It's possible. So you give it a shot - "What's that babe? I couldn't quite hear you over the sound of my clubs rattling in the bag." But it's worse the second time. Now it's like the scenes from the movies where everything slows down and the voice drops to that deep bass tone, like a 78 RPM record being played at 33 1/3. "I...said..., maybe...I'll...come...with...you." You cringe. Now what?

The kicker for me is, my wife doesn't play golf. Doesn't care about it, doesn't want to know about it. She couldn't tell you the difference between a putter and a bogey. But what she does know is it's a nice day and the golf course is a great place to relax, have a drink and get some sun without having to put on a bathing suit and get sand in her shoes.

Now I've taken my wife to the range before. It was a sight, for lack of a better term. Handing her a club was like handing a cell phone to my grandmother. Some things are better left in the hands of others. I'm no PGA pro and I sure as hell shouldn't be teaching anyone the proper mechanics of the golf swing. But I do know the basics. I tried to pass those basics along to her, but it was no use. You ever see a baby just learning how to walk? It's walking into things and falling down and you can't help but to laugh. Picture that baby with a golf club in one hand, completely throwing off it's balance even further, and a glass of Jack Daniels in the other. It was like that. But less graceful.

So why on earth does she want to come with me? She's not going to play. She's going to be bored out of her mind. And she couldn't care less about the conversation going on between my friends and I. As a matter of fact, she'd probably be offended, or even repulsed by it! But for some reason, she wants to come.

But I think I know what it is. I think I might know why she wants to come. And better yet, I think I know how to fend her off. So I'm going to take a shot at it. Here I go...

"But honey, we're not taking a cart. It's such a beautiful day, we're going to walk the course." She responds "Walk?! Forget it. I'll go shopping instead." It worked! She just wanted to ride in the cart! I try to tell her that it's not all that much fun, but those guys on Jackass sure do make it look like a better time than it is.

When we get to the course, I tell the guys about what happened at home and how my wife almost showed up with us. We all had a good laugh before we strapped our bags to the back of the carts and drove-off to the first tee.

So there you have it. The final chapter of the tale of my three wives in one. Fellas, if your wife is anything like mine, then I hope I've helped you to understand that you are not alone. Maybe I've even provided some insight somehow. However, if your wife is nothing like this, then I at least hope I have provided you with some type of entertainment at my own expense. If this is the case...you're welcome.

Related Posts:

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 2)

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 1)

New Calendar According to Golf

From the earliest days of man to this very moment every culture, ethnicity, tribe etc. has influenced, used or created a calendar. They based it on some constant - usually a reference date, and were able to further develop it from there. So, I've taken the liberty and created my own calendar...according to Golf.

Considering I live in the Northeast and our golf season is well, seasonal, it works like this: The year will normally start with January and proceed with February, March, Golfember and December. Wait...What?!?!? Golfember? WTF?!?! Yep! you heard right, Golfember, 244 days of golfing possibilities! Now in order to keep the chaos to a minimum, Golfember follows the 7 days a week pattern but has damn near 35 weeks in it.

Don't worry, all of the holidays are still there, for example: July 4th would be Golfember 95th and Thanksgiving would be...uhh...Thanksgiving, the thirty-fifth Thursday in Golfember. Ya dig? No more of that "What month are we in" crap! Meanwhile, we can implement all-new holidays. For example, wedged right in between Mother's Day and Father's Day, we can have Golfer's Day. That's where you give all the golfers in your life a present (balls, new clubs, etc.).

I know, this is exciting and it gets better. If you live in the southern part of the U.S., you lucky devils will have the option to combine January, February and March into Golfuary. Hence the calendar would be Golfuary, Golfember and December. My reasoning for keeping December is because of the great holidays that fall in that month. You know, all that giving and receiving and eating and visiting family. It's just too much of a good thing to change.

So, in this crazy complex world we live in, I believe a little streamlining and simplifying would be refreshing...and very much welcome. As far-fetched as this may be, I think cabin-fever is setting in already and it's only been a few days since my season ended! How long til Golfmas?

Turkey on the Table and Clubs in the Attic

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Of all the holidays, this one leaves me with mixed emotions - I appreciate the "giving thanks" aspect...the food, the family, etc., but this time of year also marks the official end to my golf season.

I feel like I'm a late-season golfer. Many of my golf buddies stow the old battle-sticks in the basement or attic by the end of October. Heck, here in the States, the start of (American) football in early September usually brings and end to many Saturday and Sunday tee-times. But I carry on, playing through the first few weeks in November.

The end-all for me is when I have to put on more than a windbreaker or sweater. When that happens (and my swing is subsequently compromised), I'm done till Spring - and usually that means the week of Thanksgiving - in fact, I can't remember the last time I played a round in December here in New England.

So I'll settle-in tomorrow after stuffing myself similar to which the bird I devoured was stuffed; watch the Lions lose to the Packers; re-watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the 472nd time; and fall asleep on the couch.

Yet there are memories to give thanks for beyond the ordinary: The thought of walking 18-holes on a warm summer day; the thud the ball makes when landing on a soft green in regulation; the feeling you get when everything clicks on a drive; to make the turkey gobble on a long putt...

Yes, if you're in my boat, where golf lays dormant till April...take a second tomorrow - gaze out the window, across the carpet of auburn leaves and remember all the things you can give thanks for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 2)

A little over a week ago I gave everyone a bit of a look into my personal life as I was telling you about wife #1 - The wife who hates when I golf. This week, we are going to look into wife #2 - The wife who doesn't mind when I golf and, often times, is happy to see me get the hell out of the house. Obviously, this is my favorite one-third of my three-part wife.

One would have to wonder how she can go from hating when I golf, to pretty much handing my clubs to me and forcing me out the front door. I want to ask, but I'm afraid to. When she is pretty much telling me to get out of here, I don't want to give her any reason to change her mind. So I just grab my keys and go. But I do wonder "Why did she make a stink last Saturday but couldn't wait to get me out this time?" So I've come up with a few ideas on my own:

#1 - She loves me and she wants me to be happy doing something she knows I love to do. No, this can't be it.

#2 - She has learned that, many times, I am more useful out of the house than in. I figure this is a strong possibility. It's no secret most of us husbands are kept around by our wives for two reasons - opening jars and squishing bugs. Most of the remaining can all be done by the wife herself - and often times done better. I'll give it to my wife...she simply does a better job than me at many of the household chores....or does she? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Fellas, you know what I'm talking about. Bill Cosby? Screw it up bad enough and you won't have to do it again? Sometimes it works. But in hindsight...this may not be the answer either. See, my wife caught onto my tricks pretty quickly. I figured when I dropped a colorful new undergarment into a load of bleach-filled whites, I was home free. Wrong. I tried again with a new comforter. I practically managed to get that one shrunken down to what a candy company would consider "Fun Size." Still no good. So after another lesson and the threat of my wife shrinking something else down to "fun size"...I don't screw up the laundry anymore. So the best I can come up with is....

#3 - She's just so sick of looking at me growing roots into the couch. This is the best I can come up with. I'll get out of bed, head down to the living room, turn on the TV, and fall asleep again in front of ESPN. I'll wake up just in time to put the game on, then fall asleep again from innings two through eight. Hey, if God thought it was OK to rest one day, then it should be OK for me also right? My wife says when I can create an entire world in six days, better yet, when I can consistently do ANYTHING for six days, then I can sleep on the couch all day long if I would like. But until then.... She has a point. But rather than argue with me about it, or try to do everything around me, she sends me golfing. This has to be it.

But upon thinking about it, I don't really care what the reason is, as long as it continues to happen. And I'll NEVER ask. It's like asking my mechanic about the technical aspect of my cars latest problem. I don't give a crap. Does it work properly now? Is that annoying sound gone? That's all I need to know.

As long as that one part of my wife will continue to recommend I golf and force me out when it's time to do so, that's all I need to know. Now if I can just work on the other two parts.

Check back next week for Part 3 - When She Wants To Golf With Me. NQ35ZGSWS

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Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 3)

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The Greatest Golf Rule

1-4. Points Not Covered by Rules

"If any point in dispute is not covered by the Rules, the decision should be made in accordance with equity."

So, let me get this straight - the USGA researches, reviews, implements and revises rules for golf every so often, right? Why? As stated above with Rule 1-4, the USGA has chiseled in stone the ultimate "Watch Their Ass" rule. This pretty much says if it's not in the book then YOU make a FAIR judgment call and get on with it because it's...a...rule...in...the...book. Huh? I know, confusing, but what an incredible stroke of genius! It technically means the rule book covers every situation there could be, even if it's not in the book! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The USGA's rules and regulations committee have given themselves a ridiculous amount of leverage. They can dictate when or if they will be revising the rules simply because Rule 1-4 covers it all. If PGA officials approach the committee with " We've had an unusual situation this past..." The USGA can interrupt with: "Hold it right there Skippy...Rule motherf$%#in' 1-4...Now if you don't mind you're interfering with my nap."

Could you imagine if this was a law passed by congress? "If any point in dispute is not covered by Constitutional, codified, uncodified, federal, state or territorial laws set forth by the appropriate means for jurisdiction within the United States of America , then you guys work it out fair n' square cuz' we said so and it's the law, bitches!" Still got that pipe lying around?

Will the Slow Golfers Please Get the Hell Out of the Way?

Authors Note: While I realize I'm preaching to the choir by posting this to such an audience (e.g. the golf blogger-sphere), it's my hope the message contained here will disseminate down to those informally teaching new golfers.

"Let's go, while we're young!" Said Al Czervik to Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood Country Club in the movie Caddyshack. Slow play on the golf course is such an obvious part of the game, it has become ingrained into Hollywood fiction. More recently, Larry David "murdered" a man on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm because he was golfing too slowly. Alas, hazards on the golf course don't stop at ponds and bunkers.

Golfers who have been playing the game for any length of time will tell tales of the inevitable slow group in front of them. In fact, I'd argue that we're so prone to thinking the group we follow is slow, that it could be Tiger and Phil ahead of us and we'd still be ready to hit into them!

Typically, I'd say I'm pretty tolerant of a slow foursome (at least compared to my normal playing partners). But recently, we got stuck behind the slowest group I have ever seen in the 20-plus years I've been golfing! This group was just awful - especially one guy in particular, who we began calling "Red" (because he was wearing an equally awful red shirt).

For most of the round, the normal annoyances of playing behind a slow group were evident - you know, waiting at every tee and in every fairway; not staying loose - losing your rhythm and swing timing, etc.

But then something happened that set this experience apart from all other instances: At one point, as we we're waiting on the 14th tee, Red drives back towards us in his cart. As he approached the tee, he asked us to step aside so he can re-hit because he couldn't find his drive!

WTF?!

I once saw a sign on a course that read: "No one is offended by poor play; Everyone is offended by slow play." Now, I understand Red was playing by the rules, but come on! If you aren't in a tournament; you know you're struggling; you know there are people waiting behind you; Please, for the love of God, take-it-upon-yourself to bend the rules; pick up the pace; drop a ball; take an "X" on the hole and move on - or just let the group behind you play through!

But that was not the end of Red's audacity. Incidentally, he flubbed his second drive into the left woods and proceeded to spend about 5 minutes looking for his ball. Now up until this point, we had tolerated all of this nonsense for the mere fact we wanted to finish all 18-holes (for handicap purposes and the fact I like to finish what I start). But while Red was still searching for his ball - prolonging the inevitability of another re-tee, we drove past them and teed-off on 15 instead.

While I dislike incomplete rounds, slow play is just plain rude - especially when players clearly do not know the etiquette side of the game. Thus, I feel it necessary to implore of the choir - Is it too much to ask that we introduce new golfers to the etiquette-side of the game first, before we get into all of the rules? You've gotta crawl before you can walk - Initially, new golfers are going to stink regardless, so we mine-as-well teach them to be conscious of those behind them - rather than fussing over the explanation of every rule. Then, as they begin to understand what a good pace-of-play is on the course, they can learn more of the rules and begin taking the game more seriously.

The Golfstinks, Man I Suck And Couldn’t Give A Fat Baby’s Ass, Golf Course Challenge (Part 1)

WARNING: The following challenges are intended for reading entertainment purposes and not to be performed. Unless you are a total moron or just curious like me. For Part 2 in this series, please click HERE.

Does sucking at golf get you down? You arrive, unload your bag, mangle the course, screw up your shots and have to listen to some pipe tell you to keep your head down. Well, I too have been in that scenario and looked for a way to better my situation. I realized that without practice and hours upon hours of being on the course, I will never become a better golfer. So, I took the liberty and created challenges to keep my spirits up while golfing poorly.

Challenge #1: The Piñata Drive

Ok, you get blindfolded, take your driver and hold it straight up so you can bend over and rest your head on the grip while the club head is touching the ground, and in traditional fashion, you revolve around the club as your buddies count each revolution in Spanish (you may stop at ten, sorry “diez”). You then proceed, with a little help, to where your ball is teed up and swing till the stuff comes out. What do you mean 'What stuff?' Well, I don’t know… until you make contact with something wise ass! Did I mention that (DIMT from here on out, hey everybody else makes up their own acronyms) alcohol must be consumed prior to the blindfolding and in between revolutions and your approach to the ball or more properly, your “set-up?”

Justification: You are going to screw up your tee shot anyway.

Challenge #2: En Garde!

Challenge anyone and everyone to a fencing duel using their driver shaft as a sword. If they decline and walk away, proceed to smack the back of their leg with the shaft in a whipping motion and immediately scream “En garde!” This will easily get your ass kicked or make for some good side betting. Either way, it’s entertainment.

Justification: Sharpens the ol’ reflexes and helps with the hand-eye coordination thing.

Challenge #3: Tee For Two

Two butt cheeks that is. How long can you keep a golf tee wedged in your butt crack? No one has to know, call it our secret… big boy! More points the hotter the weather. DIMT a golf ball can be substituted for the more “advanced” partaker in this challenge?

Justification: It depends on who you are asking. My justification is giving the tee to the annoying one in the foursome.

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 1)

Is your wife the type who hates when you head out for a day of golf with your buddies? Maybe she's the type who doesn't mind when you golf and, often times, is happy to see you get the hell out of the house? Or...is she the type who would like nothing more than to head to the course with you? If you can narrow it down, then lucky you. My situation is a little different. Depending upon the day, and I'm still working on how exactly to read it, my wife could be any one of those three!

It's amazing to meet a person who can look at an activity such as golf and, all in the same thought, think "It's a boring, pointless and stupid sport. You should go play today. Can I go with you?" What the hell?! So in this ball of confusion, today we're going to explore wife #1 - The wife who hates when I golf.

Did you ever notice there is always something to do? Did you ever notice there is just not enough time in the day? Did you ever notice that, no matter how hard you try, you just can't finish the things that need to be done and there's always more to do tomorrow? Don't be fooled. None of this is true. The reason you feel this way is because of your wife! She makes things up and tricks you into believing you are too busy to go golfing! Don't fall for it! It's a trap! There is always tomorrow to get things done. And if tomorrow never comes, then what did it matter if the garage was cleaned anyway?

Maybe your wife uses the "we don't spend enough time together" excuse when you want to disappear for an entire Saturday. I don't get it. I just spent the past, physician-recommended, eight hours right next to her! As a matter of fact, I've done that almost every night for the past few years! But she doesn't think this meets the criteria to be considered "quality time." But somehow, wandering the halls of the local mall with the other zombies and their wives does. You wanna explain that? You can't, can you? Well enough trying to explain, it's time to act.

The next time your wife wants to get her hair or nails done, remind her that she wanted to rearrange the bedroom or living room furniture and today would be the perfect day to get that done. When you finish that up, mention the kitchen that she was so anxious to get painted. I would be willing to bet those things could be put on hold now.

As far as the quality time thing goes...I'm all for spending quality time with the wife. It's of vital importance to your marriage. So when she mentions it, you should appease her. Get on the computer, purchase some tickets to the game (any game really - baseball, football, basketball, hockey...) and take her along. Explain to her this is something you would normally do with your friends, but you're having a much better time with her and look forward to doing it again next Saturday! The teams logo painted from your chest down to your gut which is jiggling while you wildly wave your shirt over your head is a nice touch. She should get the point.

I figure there are two ways this can go for you:

#1 - She gets the picture and you can golf often enough to keep you satisfied. Don't push it though or you may end up with...

#2 - She is so infuriated with your lack of compassion for her needs and she wants a divorce. 99% of the time, divorce is bad. I do not endorse divorce.

However, and you didn't hear this from me, it will free up your Saturdays.

Related Posts:

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 3)

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 2)

Who are your Golf Heros?

My great uncle served as a side gunner on a B-26 bomber during WWII, and served as my mentor on the golf course nearly 50 years later. He flew on 66 missions during the war and was shot down, behind enemy lines, during the Battle of the Bulge (his entire crew survived the crash).

After the war, he took-up golf and continued playing through the early part of this decade. When I first took-up the game, he was in his late 60's and his best golfing days had already come and gone. Yet I was still no match for him. I would out-drive him by 60 yards, but he was a master at accuracy - he'd hit it 200-yards into the middle of the fairway, and I'd hit it 260 into the right rough or OB left. We'd meet on the green and he'd putt-out for bogey and I'd take a double - it never failed.

Now, in his 80's, his golfing days are over (though he still enjoys watching the tour on TV and hearing about the latest course I've tackled, and how well (or poorly) I fared). I wish he could still get out there on the course, but age has a way of catching up to all of us.

I thought of my uncle today, on Veteran's Day - the service to his country, and his tutoring of me on the golf course - and it reminded me that some people went to hell and back for the freedoms we have - even something as picayune as playing a round of golf.

If you are looking for a golf connection to our veterans, please spend some time on the Birdies for the Brave website. If you would like to read more about my uncle's 66 missions, or other stories from veterans, please visit Witness-to-War.org (see the listing under "Frank Maturo").

Ways to Cheat at Golf

How many of you have ever taken a mulligan? CHEATERS! Every damn last one of you! How many times have you hit one out-of-bounds and then announced you'll "just drop one up there" instead of hitting a provisional shot? CHEATERS! How many times have you awarded yourself a "gimme" putt? CHEATERS! (We actually spend time debating what constitutes a "gimme" don't we? Is it 4 inches? Anything less than the length of the putter head? How about anything less than a foot from the hole?) - Yep, we're all freakin' CHEATERS! You know, there's a reason golf pencils don't have erasers.

Ah but to the average hacks, the aforementioned are more rule "bending" rather than rule "breaking" aren't they? I mean, if we followed all the USGA rules to a T, many of us would be too scared to make a move on the course in fear of incurring a penalty stroke (see Stinky Golfer Chris' post, "Do you Play Golf by the Rules?").

The reality is, most weekend golfers take mulligans (at least one a round); award themselves gimme's (typically any putt less than 6 inches); and don't really know the rule differences between OB and a lateral water hazard (white stakes, red stakes, it doesn't matter - they just drop a ball, take a stroke (maybe) and play on). And all this rule "bending" is done with the other players in full sight, completely aware of what's going on.

But what about when you really want to cheat at golf? You know, when no one is looking? Well, below are some classic ways (honest and trustworthy golfers, please stop reading here).

Winter Rules: Probably made most famous in the movie Caddyshack when Judge Smails uses Winter Rules as an excuse to improve his lie. In reality, there's nothing in the rule book called Winter Rules. And clearly nothing is legal in the way the Judge Toe Irons his ball to a better position. Nevertheless, this is a common way to cheat. It's handy if your ball comes to rest in a divot, or on a root, or behind a tree (as in Judge Smails' case). Make sure no one is looking (best time is to wait till another playing partner is in mid-swing so everyone is watching him instead of you), then simply roll your ball out of the divot or kick your ball clear of the tree trunk. Easy.

The Extra Ball: This one is pretty simple too. Let's say you smack one into the woods or into some tall rough. After having no luck finding your real ball, make sure no one is watching you and drop an extra ball down (a veteran golf cheater will be prepared for such an errant shot and already have an extra ball in his pocket). Then proudly (and loudly) proclaim you found your original ball! Penalty stroke saved, double-bogey averted. Note: There may be instances when a playing partner will try to help you look for your ball - in these cases immediately proclaim you found it - he or she will most likely back off and you can then drop your extra ball.

Mistaken Identity: This is very similar to The Extra Ball, except you don't have the guts to actually drop a ball because you're afraid you'll get caught. In the case of Mistaken Identity, you take your chances that you will find a ball within the general vicinity of where yours landed. Hey, any ball you find could have easily been your ball, so why not claim it as your own?

See No Evil: This one is among the easiest to pull off, but you have to be hitting where no one can really see you (e.g. in a deep trap, or in the woods, etc.). You take your shot and end up chunking it, or skulling it, or just plain flubbing it a few yards in front of you. Hey, if no one saw it, it doesn't count!

Stroke Eraser: Again, timing is key with this one. Let's say your playing partners are having a miserable hole. Chances are they are not going to be paying too much attention to the type of hole you're having. Here's where you can turn that 5 into a 4! Just don't get too greedy or someone will most likely notice.

Alzheimer's: This one we may do inadvertently during a round, but if you're conscious of it, it can be a great cheat! First, make sure you're the one keeping score. Then, conveniently "forget" to put down the scores for a couple of holes. By the time you announce your "carelessness," your playing partners will have probably forgotten what you scored two or three holes ago (most likely they will be trying to remember their own scores from those holes). That's when you sneak in a double-bogey instead of that triple you took! Note: It's probably best not to "alter" your most recent hole, since that one's fresh in everyone's mind.

There are several more, and if you use your imagination, I'm sure you'll be shooting lower scores in no time!

Author's Note: We probably have known people who use these cheating tactics. Perhaps we [gasp] have even shamefully (or not so shamefully) implemented a few ourselves. For example, when I first started playing in my early teens, I pulled-off some of these cheats. But I quickly realized the thing with being a cheater is, you're really only cheating yourself. These cheaters are not true lovers of golf. And, if there is money on the line, you're not only cheating yourself, but your a real slime bucket to boot - a Judge Smails through-and-through. But maybe you're fine with that - in which case, feel free to steal what you can from this post!

Pimp my Golf Cart

In my pursuit to find all that is great and unique about the game of golf, I’ve compiled a few pictures of something that I find not only interesting, but invaluable to this game: Golf carts! How else can I find my ball while drinking a beer, smoking a cigar and not breaking a sweat? The golf cart just plain rocks!

For a stinky golfer like myself, whom some might call lazy (but I prefer "super efficient"), I expend a lot of energy hacking the course to bits. So, for me to walk and carry my bag…forget it! Why would I pass up an opportunity to ride?

I mean not for nothing but, there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears that went into designing and manufacturing the carts pictured below. It would be foolish to put all that marvelous engineering to waste and walk the course. So here’s a little tribute to those that also revel in their golf carts - these bad boys take it to the next level!

For more information about pimped-out golf carts, please visit the following sites:

www.uniquegolfcars.com

www.badassgolfcarts.com

Related Posts: Pimp my Golf Cart (Redux)

Keeping Yourself in Golf Shape

So it’s November and, for the most part, the golf season has wound down. Sure, there will be a few beautiful days left, but not quite enough to warrant consideration of an extended season. So what to do? Without golf, what’s to occupy your Saturday afternoons? I suppose you could always get some work done around the house. Maybe you can clean out the basement that your wife has been hounding you about since last winter? Nah….I’ve got a better idea. How about keeping yourself in “golf shape?”

Golf shape. That’s a funny term. Think about it. It’s not like the word “shape” is preceded by “football” or “basketball” or any sport which really requires an athlete to be in peak physical condition. Well, not us stinky golfers anyway. If we were out on tour, then I can understand it. But playing a game of Nassau with a few other stinky golfers during a round of eighteen which is sandwiched between a few rounds of beer? You could probably guess that “golf shape” is not first and foremost on my list of New Year’s resolutions. As a general rule of thumb, I pretty much believe that if you can consume an alcoholic beverage during the activity you are performing...and it quite possibly makes you better...that activity may not be considered a “sport.” Bowling of course comes to mind.

Take a look at that picture of John Daly up there. Now I’ve got myself a gut, but I like to believe that it doesn’t look much like his. Also, that’s a cigarette hanging out of his face...during his swing! I have a cigar every once in a while, but I never touch a cigarette. He has one while he’s swinging! Thing is, he could look like he does, be as unhealthy as he may be and play at six in the morning with a hangover...and on my best day, he will still beat me like a four-year-old at Wal-Mart!

My point is, golf shape doesn’t necessarily have much to do with your physical condition. Too out of shape to walk eighteen? Just take a cart! No, golf shape is more about your mechanics and the act of the swing...not what the person swinging the club looks like. So in lieu of heading out to the course, maybe you should take a Saturday here or there and head to a decent practice facility.

Here in the beautiful northeast, out of necessity, many of the local driving ranges feature heated stations. After all, how much business would they do during the winter months if customers just had to stand out in the cold? Instead, you turn a knob and just like that, heat is reflected down on you from the roof above.

Don’t want to stand outside? Me either. So I head to an indoor facility. At a large indoor facility, I can work on just about every facet of my game. The one I choose to use contains a driving area, an area for irons, chipping area, putting green and even a couple of bunkers! If you’re in the mood for more than just practice and are looking for a little competition, they also have a couple of simulators. Also, if you need a little help with something, there’s a PGA Pro right on-site.

So maybe, like me, you’re stuck with some projects around the house. Who isn’t? Maybe you have some other involuntary commitments that are getting in your way. Whatever the tie-up may be, you can’t let that crap take over your golf life! Get yourself out to one of these places and get to work. With any luck, you can hit the course next season looking more like Jack Nicklaus than a Jackass.