FoxSports' New Golf Web Series is a Raunchy Ace!

A little over two weeks ago, Stinky Golfer Chris wrote a post pleading with the Golf Channel to feature more quality programming - namely programming that your typical average Joe golfers can relate to.

Fast forward a week or so and I receive an email embedded with the trailer for a new animated web series called "Of Course" - set to debut this coming Monday on FoxSports.com. As creator Skadaddle Media perfectly puts it, Of Course "unveils the truth behind what happens when four friends get together on the golf course." Well I say, let the good times roll!

The show's characters (Doug, Bender, Tim and Eric) go from talking trash to talking about sexual experiences to telling a few jokes at the expense of their wives - all while they shank, slice and hook their way through a round of 18! They may win or lose the round but it doesn't matter because the moments and laughs shared amongst friends can't be replaced by a birdie!

After viewing the trailer (see below) and checking-out their site, I gotta say, I'm on the hook to see what's next. "Of Course" is a breath of fresh air that average hacks like me can actually watch and relate to. Good job guys, I'm looking forward to the entire season!

Fore & Cheers! Do You Drink & Golf?

I've posted about drinking on the course before - mainly about the antics that ensue from the combination of a good buzz and a golf cart.

But drinking and golf go back long before the golf cart was invented. Think about that for a second - the Scots invented the game - what are the odds old Tom Morris kept a flask wedged between his mashie and spoon?

I know that many who belong to the Tennis Shoe Crowd strap a cooler of beer to the cart simply because they don't know what else to do on a golf course. But what about those of us that play more frequently?

Here's where I'm a bit confused. I like beer. I have a couple drafts in the 19th hole after nearly every round. But I never drink on the course. What makes this strange is that I'll smoke a nice Connecticut-wrapped, Honduran cigar on the course, but rarely do I puff a Churchill when I'm not on the links. What gives?

What's more, golf seems to encourage drinking. OK, I'm not saying golf will drive you to drink - I mean, it may...but what I'm saying is you play in a tournament and there's alcohol everywhere. There's beer before and after the round; the MOFOBETE has beer; and organizers may even bring in scantaly-clad ladies to set-up cocktail booths at different holes (those girls are trouble by the way - and no Honey, I never talk to them...I don't even look at them)...

Anyway, all this has me pondering why I don't drink on the course. And I guess my answer is this: I care too much about my game to impair it with alcohol - be it one beer or ten.

Wow. Sorry, I didnt realize how much that last statement makes me sound like a complete jackass. You see, I stink at golf. I don't even have an outside shot at winning a local tourney, let alone a professional one. But the truth is, I take golf too serioulsy to drink while playing it. Am I alone?

Take the poll and let me know...

Do You Drink While You Golf?

Help! I Need New Golf Clubs!

So I have this set of golf clubs, right? Thing is, I've had these golf clubs for some time...going on twelve years now. Actually, it's the first set of golf clubs I had ever purchased when I was originally introduced to this great game.

The set came with irons three through nine, three woods (driver, 3 and 5) and a pitching wedge. Two of those woods (the driver and the three) are long gone...as is the wedge. The driver was once replaced with a nice Callaway Big Bertha. I lost the ability to hit that straight and it no sooner found its way to eBay. I replaced the wedge with one I received as a gift and added another one later.

Putters have come and gone. Bags have done the same. But what's remained consistent through all of the change surrounding them are my original irons and trusty five wood. They do the job, and my five wood off the tee is probably the most consistent club in my bag.

I want to sit here and say I have this emotional attachment to my clubs, and that's why I still have them. I want to say they are good enough for me and new clubs aren't going to make me any better or improve my game at all. I also don't want to lie. Neither of the two previous statements are true. I want new clubs. I need new clubs. I just can't friggin' afford them!

Now I know some of you are probably saying to yourselves the same things I've said to myself. "I don't need to spend $1,000 to get a good set of clubs" or "Just get a decent set of irons for now and worry about the driver and other stuff later." I've got that down. I've tried a bunch of clubs and have pretty much narrowed it to a few relatively affordable sets. The problem is...I still just can't friggin' afford them!

So my new quest has been to discover WHY I can't afford them. I've narrowed that down to three issues:

#1 - My own foolishness with my money:

A few years ago, I got into a car accident. I was uninjured, but my car was totaled. The other guy's insurance company however, did not want the car. So they offered me a nice amount of money to just keep it - an offer which I gladly accepted. The car was drivable, just a bit unattractive. But hey, it was paid off and the insurance company gave me more money to keep driving it! So I have this nice sum of money now. But instead of doing something responsible with it - like buying a new set of golf clubs - I decided to purchase a sports car that I had wanted for a few years. So now, terrible gas mileage, many high car payments and expensive maintenance bills later...I have no new golf clubs. Good job Chris.

#2 - My wife:

Hey guys...do any of these look familiar to any of you?

Well, for your sake...I hope not. But unfortunately, I'm sure they do. My wife calls them purses or pocketbooks. I call them the bane of my golf existence. My wife somehow believes they are necessary. I can understand they are necessary...in limited quantities. I do not understand why so many are necessary! At any point in the day, there are at least two of these in her car, several more in our bedroom, maybe one or two in the family room, and who knows how many in random closets throughout the house! The cost of these things interferes with the cost of my new clubs! How do I know how much they cost? I don't. But what I do know is I have to order Rosetta Stone to pronounce the names! That makes them too expensive. Honey, if you're reading this....we have to suspend your next purchase or two. You have enough. I need clubs. I'll bet if my clubs were made by some famous Italian fashion house I would have them by now! Of course, if that was the case...she would have taken up golf already.

#3 - My job:

See, the problem with my job is...I currently don't have one. I guess I don't really need to go into much detail here. The fact that I don't currently have a job is explanation enough. But, since roughly 1 out of 7 people in the country play golf, and 1 out of every 10 adults in the country are unemployed right now...I'm sure I'm not the only golfer currently dealing with this problem.

So there it is in a nutshell. Three reasons I have not purchased new clubs, and may not purchase them anytime soon. Getting a job would help. So if anyone is hiring, please hit me up. I'm willing to do just about anything if the pay is good enough, as long as it involves keeping my clothes on. It's not that I wouldn't take my clothes off for money....it's just that you don't want to see it. Trust me.

I just want new clubs.

Golf and This Thing of Ours

Recently, I ran across an interesting article about mobsters Al Capone and Sam Giancana's passion for golf. These two Chicago gangsters actually used a nine iron for what it was meant to be used for. Not for nothing but I'm glad I wasn't around to keep score.

Dave Kindred, a contributing writer to Golf Digest wrote:

One dark and steamy Chicago summer night, the telephone rang as Harry Pezzullo watched the fights. Golf pros don't get many late-night pleas from clients. But there was no confusion once Pezzullo heard Sam Giancana's voice. The ganglord said to the pro, "Get your ass down to the club." Money had changed hands that afternoon, most of it leaving Giancana's. He wanted the pro to look at his swing. More than that, he wanted it fixed. Now. "Now?" Pezzullo said. Said Giancana, "Now."

It was getting on to midnight and Harry Pezzullo was in his pajamas. His two sons were asleep. When he told his wife about the call, Mrs. Pezzullo offered sage advice. She said, "Get your ass down there. I don't want 'em coming here." Because Mission Hills had no lighted practice tee, Giancana's boys arranged for their cars' headlights to shine on the boss and the pro. Somebody emptied a gross of new balls onto the ground. Pezzullo looked at Giancana's swing. Made a fix here and there. Rerouted the plane. Fiddled with the grip. The sleight of hand had its drama.

Meanwhile, the golf stories about Al Capone go as follows:

More brazen than wise, Banjo Eyes once accused Capone of cheating. The big guy replied, "On your knees and start praying." He pulled from his golf bag a .45 revolver. Sullivan wrote that only his plea for Banjo Eyes life stayed a fairway execution. Jostled in the golf bag another day, a revolver fired a bullet that tore through Capone's right leg and embedded in the left. A week's stay in the hospital preceded his return to Burnham. "After that," Sullivan wrote, "the boys double-checked to make sure the safety catch was on before they deposited any gun in a golf bag."

With all of this talk about “family” it made me wonder; What would pro-golfers names be if they were gangsters?

The Boss:
Ben Hogan a.k.a “The Godfather” a.k.a "Two Iron Tex"

The Under-Bosses:
Sammy Snead a.k.a uhhhhh…”Slammin’ Sammy”…go figure
Byron Nelson a.k.a “Cut Man”

The Consigliere’s (Advisers):
Jack Nicklaus a.k.a “Nicky Bear”
Arnold Palmer a.k.a “Bay Hill Bang”
Gary Player a.k.a “Lights Out”

The Caporegime’s (Captains):
Greg Norman a.k.a “Shark"...again, go figure.
Fred Couples a.k.a "Boom Boom Copolla"
Payne Stewart a.k.a "St. Stewart" All respect to this man...
Nick Faldo a.k.a "Anchor Man"
Tiger Woods a.k.a "Cablinasian Kid"
John Daly a.k.a "Sloppy Joe"
Sergio Garcia a.k.a "Borriol Bull"
Ernie Els a.k.a " E Double"
Phil Mickelson a.k.a "Lefty Flop"
Vijay Singh a.k.a "Three Finger Fiji"

Now that's a family tournament if I ever saw one...Hit 'em straight and remember: Do the right thing!

Tiger: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

*UPDATE* - Did we even need a press conference? You could have just read our post from the night before! (see below)

I'm sure you've heard by now that Tiger Woods is going to hold a press conference tomorrow at 11 AM EST; Well, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. You mine as well play the video of A-ROD from last spring training and just superimpose Tiger's face over Alex's.

Do we even need a press conference? I'll tell you what's going to happen right now, 12 hours BEFORE the camera's turn on: He's going to apologize. Apologize for all his transgressions. Apologize to his wife. Apologize to his children. Apologize to his fans. Tell us how he made a mistake(s) and conjure up a few tears for good measure.

Basically, he'll go through the motions of what public relations professionals call a good strategy. Good strategy: Mark McGuire last month. Bad Strategy: Mark McGuire at the 2005 congressional hearings.

Tomorrow is all about PR. Tiger doesn't even have to be 100% believable. And that's the thing - these days, you admit your mistakes and all is forgiven. After tomorrow, Tiger will be back on track to rejoining the tour. Like it or not, it's going to be that easy.

So, we should all stop wondering what's going to happen tomorrow and start wondering what the odds are of Tiger winning the grand slam this year.

Bigfoot Stole My Golf Ball

Have you ever hit what you thought to be a awesome drive, only to have your ball disappear on you? Well, I've been a victim of this "phenomenon" so many times, I started wondering where all those golf balls could've ended up. I mean, are there millions of golf balls lost in some vortex somewhere? To me, it seems very fishy whenever your golf ball pulls a Houdini act.

Can't you envision Sasquatch (or some other "thing") lumbering out to the fairway from the trees, pausing to look around for a second, then snatching your golf ball before retreating into the depths of the underbrush? Don't laugh, like a creepy forest, scary house or old cemetery, golf courses are not immune to reports of strange activity...

In Roxborough, Colorado, two course workers were picking up the flags one evening at Arrowhead Golf Course. As they approached the 13th hole, they noticed a large whitish-grey, human-like figure approximately 7- to 8-feet tall. The workers high-tailed it out of there, but returned a few minutes later in a golf cart that had headlights. Unfortunately, the creature was gone and left no visible tracks. I'll bet he had a sack full of golf balls on his back too.

On Runaway Bay Golf Course in Wise County, Texas recently, a maintenance worker found a dead Chupacabra. Tony Potter scooped-up the creature and delivered it to authorities after his wife wouldn't let him keep it in their freezer (you can't make this stuff up). Of course, local authorities "are baffled" by the thing and are awaiting test results to find out what it is. Could the Chupacabra be sucking Top-Flite's dry of their playability?

Meanwhile, in England, it appears golf balls are getting beamed-up by alien spacecraft. In the 1990's, a man playing Weald Park Golf Club in Essex spotted a "solid-shaped dome" hovering by some trees in broad daylight. The man hurried to the next tee to gain a better vantage point, but the object had disappeared. Then, in July 2008, two people spotted a "saucer-shaped object" hovering around the town of Harborough's golf course. According to the witnesses, the craft "kept circling over the golf course, disappearing behind trees and then becoming visible again." Most recently, a man spotted "orange balls" over Ufford Park hotel and golf course in Suffolk. The incident happened only a few miles from one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings in 1980.

Finally, in New Orleans' City Park, if you play the old East Course, don't be surprised if you witness a murder...or, at least think you do. Golfers there swear they overhear the sounds of two women golfing, and then one of the women getting shot! Eerily, a woman actually was shot on the course in the early 1960's. And that's not the only phantom on the course - keep a sharp eye for a man standing in the rough, watching you play though (he's on the prowl for Pro V1's no doubt). The man is thought to be the ghost of famous golfer and club maker, Blackie Pustaino. Pustaino passed in 2001 and was buried with his favorite golf trophy. In a haunting twist, a golfer recently found the trophy, which just happened to be lying in the rough on the 18th hole of the old East Course.

So, the next time you hit a what appears to be a great shot, only to be unable to find your ball - don't rule out the paranormal. After all, USGA rule 18-1 states: "If a ball at rest is moved by an outside agency [e.g. our pal Bigfoot], there is no penalty and the ball must be replaced." Of course, I could be watching too many episodes of Ghost Hunters, MonsterQuest and Destination Truth for my own good...

Total Recall: Danger Comes To The Golf World

What is the world coming to? Toyota and Honda screwing up their cars? The two companies commonly referred to as building the most reliable cars are dropping the ball? What's next? Snow in July?! Health insurance companies dropping their rates?! The Yankees slash payroll?! Dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!!

The fact is, there are recalls every month. And eventually, there are recalls on seemingly just about every car manufactured. Maybe your car isn't one of them. Maybe you've already had the recall taken care of. Well, don't feel too safe yet my friends. You see, the recalls extend a bit farther than your local roads and highways. It seems you may be in just as much danger on your local cartpaths and fairways.

Everyone knows the cart company E-Z-GO. But how many were aware of the recall on their RXV golf carts? There have been 20 reports of the hip restraints breaking. Nine of these instances resulted in broken bones and abrasions from falling out of the cart! Something tells me though, if you're cutting the wheel on your golf cart hard enough to create enough pressure on that hip restraint for it to break....it's not because you noticed you just drove past your ball. It's more likely because you're doing a little stunt driving down the hill on 13.

Have you ever seen one of these:

Well if you do....RUN!!! This is the Segway Golf Transporter GT, and it can be dangerous! This model, along with several others can unexpectedly apply reverse torque to the wheels causing the rider to fall off. However, I have recently come up with a quick fix to this problem allowing one to avoid the recall issue altogether. If you see a fellow golfer using one of these, quickly approach them and warn them they look like a complete idiot riding this thing. Also mention they are fueling the stereotypical fire of golfers not being athletes. If you find that you are the person who is riding this on the course? Consider this your warning - You look like a complete idiot.

The recalls extend even further outside of the transportation products. Have you ever tried one of these:

This is the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar. If you did try one, did you feel a little queasy afterward? Well, that may be...SALMONELLA!! Either that, or you're just out of breath from asking for one. I'll tell you what makes me queasy....standing in line behind the guy who is ordering a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar. In the time it took to order a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar, I could have finished the back nine! Really, who at this company works in the product naming department? Who's the guy that thought 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar is a good name? Yeah, if I have the choice between the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar and the candy bar next to it, am I going to order the 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar? Forget salmonella, and I know it's probably better for me than a candy bar, but I won't order a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar just on principle! Besides, what jackass eats a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar anyway? Is it somehow created for just golfers? Does it do more for golfers than another energy bar with a shorter name? Are you that much of a slave to marketing? You need to eat a 10th Tee Peanut Honey Back Nine Golf Energy Bar just to order one!

Just like the rest of the products in any industry in the world today, recalls extend to the golf industry as well. Automobiles, baby cribs, paint....and now golf carts. Danger surrounds us at every turn. This is just a small sampling of the perils us golfers face today. I'm sure there are more, but I'm just too out of energy to further research and blog about them. Maybe I'll head over to Staples and see if I can pick up a box of 1st Laptop Chocolate Peanut Butter Fourth Paragraph Blog Energy Bars.

Four Strokes and seven yards to go...

As we get close to President's Day, I began to wonder how many presidents were golfers and how would they rank amongst each other.

So, with the intentions of embarking on an arduous journey of research and collecting data, I went online and with the click of a few buttons found the following list thanks to Golf Digest!

Without further ado, the ranking of golfing presidents:

1. John F. Kennedy

2. Dwight D. Eisenhower

3. Gerald R. Ford

4. Franklin D. Roosevelt

5. George H. W. Bush

6. George W. Bush

7. Bill Clinton

8. Barack Obama

9. Ronald Reagan

10. Warren G. Harding

11. William Howard Taft

12. Woodrow Wilson

13. Richard M. Nixon

14. Lyndon B. Johnson

15. Calvin Coolidge

Who would of thought that with such a short term, unfortunately, JFK would be leading the pack? Supposedly he had a handicap somewhere between 7-10! Ike picked-up the game at 37 and played over 800 rounds in his career. His handicap hovered somewhere in the 14-17 range.

Ford was a passionate golfer who consistently shot in the 80's. He was also known for his errant shots that would hit spectators. After a round at the Bob Hope Classic he jokingly said: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

FDR was quite an accomplished golfer until stricken with polio. However, one of his greatest contributions to golf was the construction of 250 municipal courses that made the game accessible to hundreds of thousands.

A definite must-read for those interested in golfing presidents should check out: "First Off the Tee: Presidential Hackers, Duffers, and Cheaters from Taft to Bush" written by Don Van Atta Jr. Van Atta, a New York Times reporter, humorously approaches the subject and reveals some interesting things such as Bill Clinton's "Billigans." Van Atta shot a round with the Ex-prez after his term, discovering how, through the use of "Billigans," he was able to break 80. Go figure, of all the presidents that would cheat...

10 Sure-Fire Signs You're in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don't get me wrong - you can't always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I'm in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links - and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let's take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it's used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it's going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. "But I can get it, I see it right there..." This is golf, not fishing...drop a ball and move on.

2. They're bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people - they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it's a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they're only playing nine.

3. They're a member of the "Tennis Shoe Crowd"
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it's for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes - these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it's your lucky day!

4. There's beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble - especially if it's a cooler full of beer...double-trouble if there's 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don't get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn't a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless...

5. They've got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course - even to putt (see figure 1). Tom's a great guy and we've been friends for years, but I just don't get the two gloves thing - it's just strange...and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago...

6. They're playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you're in for an interesting round...and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There's no reason for this at all - that's why there's a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in - it's going to be a long day.

9. If they're bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks - I'm almost hesitant to shake the guy's hand. We haven't even teed-off and he's already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: "I'm really off my game today").

And finally...
10. They're teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you're paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there - help us all out by leaving a comment.

An Open Letter/Pitch to The Golf Channel

I enjoy golf. I like getting out on the course to play. I like hanging out with my golfing buddies. I like traveling around my home state (as well as the occasional golf trip) playing different courses. I never like playing the same course twice in a row. I like that none of us takes ourselves too seriously. We all want to do well (relatively speaking), but don't really care all that much if we don't. Just being out on the course, enjoying ourselves, having a good time with friends, is good enough.

I think this is the real part of the game that is lost on most of us golfers. Well..., I shouldn't say "us" since the vast majority of golfers out there today are just like me and my buddies. I should say it's lost on the golf industry in general. We're not great. We understand we never will be great. We just don't have the time to ever become great and don't care if we ever do.

However, we love to get out and play no matter if we play well or not. So why is there so little in the golf industry catered to guys like me and my buddies? Why are all the featured courses the ones that are way out of my price range...especially in this economy? Why are so many aspects of the game aimed at the scratch and low handicapper? What about the rest of us? There needs to be a fix to this, and I have a good place to start - The Golf Channel.

It's strange - as much as I enjoy golf, I almost never find myself watching The Golf Channel. I never really wondered why until just the past couple of days. But I've recently come to understand - There's simply just nothing on there for me. I don't care all that much about the tours. I'm even less interested in highlights from some European tournament from 2007. And I am so sick of hearing fifteen different pros give me fifteen different ways to improve my short game. Who's right? Who's wrong? Which one works the best? WHO CARES!? It's just confusing.

Combine that with the four to six hours worth of "paid programming" (i.e. infomercials) throughout the day, and I have virtually no reason to ever turn this channel on. I'm 99 percent sure that most weekend hacks like me feel the same. What this channel needs is a shot in the arm. A show that doesn't take itself so damn serious. A show for all of us weekend warriors out there. A breath of fresh air. A break from the stale repetitiveness! Ladies and Gentlemen of The Golf Channel, I present my idea/pitch....Hacks vs. Tracks.

OK, so the title is just off the top of my head. We can work on that. But the general idea is to send me and the rest of my foursome (or...FOREsome) around the country to discover all of the hidden gems that never quite get the attention they deserve. Just four regular guys, NOT golf pros by any stretch of the imagination, who simply love to play the game. We'll head to places that aren't necessarily hotbeds for golf, but nonetheless have great courses that deserve some notoriety. We'll hit some resorts as well as some munis. We'll play there. We'll eat there. We'll sleep there. We'll give an idea of what goes on other than golf in the area - tourist attractions, local sports, restaurants and such. But best of all, we'll take our below-average games out to these courses, have some fun, give them some well-deserved attention, and hopefully spark some interest!

A show like this could open the eyes of a whole new group of golfers! Not to mention, drum up business for the courses and local businesses as well as the travel industry!

Consider this - I rarely watch the Travel Channel either. But I'll turn on, and even DVR, a show like Man vs. Food. Why? Because it's a fun show. Adam Richman (the host) is not a critic. He's not stuffy. He comes across as just a regular guy who likes food. He's not at the most expensive restaurants in the cities he travels to. He's at the places with the good stuff. The stuff the locals know and love. The majority of the shows on Travel Channel don't cater to the average person. Therefore, I have very little interest. But a show like Man vs. Food...I'm not going to miss a single episode! Since he's come to my area, at least two of the three restaurants have been packed ever since (I have yet to visit the third). I have out-of-state friends and relatives asking me about those places. They want to hit those spots the next time they're in town. And I want to do the same the next time I'm traveling!

This same mentality can be brought to golf. Open peoples' eyes to some new, lesser known places, and it can only benefit everyone! Besides, I would have to imagine that a show like this would be a whole lot better than watching the latest "Get Ripped in 90 Days" infomercial!

Ladies and gentlemen of The Golf Channel....you can reach me at chris@golfstinks.com to further discuss what could only be a future success and the beginning of a wonderful relationship between your fine media outlet and 40 million hacks like me.

Thank you.

Do Pro Golfers Trash Talk?

In the United States, professional athletes and sports fans (for the most part) have come to embrace and develop the art of talking trash. When we look at professional sports being played and watched, there is a mental and physical side.

The expression "you're in his/her head," for those that don't know, means your trash talking has thrown your opponent out of their element or off their game. For example, professional sports have produced some rather effective trash talkers like Chad Ocho Cinco with his verbal and electronic (usually via twitter) bantering and the originator - Muhammad Ali...nuff said. These athletes would use the mental side as leverage by frustrating the opponent resulting in a loss of focus.

Now, as much as golf is a mental game requiring serious concentration and focus, wouldn't you think that on Sunday one of the two in the final pairing would throw a dig to the other golfer or something? I mean dude, you are in contention to win some serious cash. The hell with it, let whoever you're paired with know their mother is a pickle smuggler. You see, the USGA has guidelines on etiquette, not necessarily rules, and last time I checked there aren't any penalties for "bending" guidelines.Supposedly, Steve Williams (Tiger's caddie) tells a story about Phil Mickelson when he was paired with Tiger at the U.S. Open that goes something like this:

The pair were dueling for the lead in the third round. Tiger waved to a grandstand packed with 5,000 people that bordered the 17th fairway. The crowd responded with applause and cheers. A hush fell back over the crowd and a fan yelled out "Phil!" No response from Mickelson. Again the fan yelled out "Phil!" Again no response. The fan changed tack. "Hey, Mr. Mickelson!" When Mickelson finally turned and waved, the fan yelled out "Nice tits!" The crowd erupted in laughter; Mickelson went double bogey, then bogey and his tournament was over.

Not for nothing, but some of the outfits these golfers wear just scream "make fun of me" too. Ian Poulter, Camilo Villegas and John Daly are all guilty of this. Holy crap! Just think of how exciting golf would be to watch if, let's say Boo Weekely, was to really start insulting John Daly. This would be priceless! There would definitely be a good chance of them "dropping the gloves." Don't get me wrong, I do not support violence but, if you're playing golf for a living professionally on T.V., it makes for good entertainment.

Would You Play a Brown Golf Course?

Imagine this: You and your golf buddies have saved all year to take a winter golf trip down to the Sunshine State. Naturally, you've picked the courses based on how lush and green they look on their respective websites. You've packed the clubs, boarded your flight, touched-down to 80-degree weather and arrived on the first tee...only to find a lot more brown than you expected.

WTF?

Well, you may be looking at a new reality in golf...but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

"The problem with golf is one of expectations. The 'Augusta effect', by which golfers at courses around the world come to identify a certain look with perfection, and to believe that they should get that look wherever and whenever they play..."

The quote above was taken from the April 2008 edition of Golf Course Architecture. The article highlights the environmental issues with overseeding - a common practice at golf courses to keep grass (bermuda grass in most cases) looking lush during the winter months.

To overseed, courses use many resources, not-the-least of which is water. Not only is the practice wasteful, but it's expensive. But now with the economy struggling, many golf courses simply can't afford the extra water, seed and irrigation. What's more, labor and fertilizer costs become pricey because overseeding leads to more weeds and increased risks associated with preparing the course for spring. As a result, some courses have stopped the overseeding process altogether, which saves the course money but diminishes lushness and that bright green grass we as golfers have come to expect.

But brown grass doesn't equal bad grass. In the December 2009 issue of Golf Magazine, Dr. Stacey Bonos suggests that being brown "doesn't mean the grass is unplayable." In fact, the author of the Golf Course Architecture article exclaims this type of grass "is a fantastic playing surface, tight, firm and bouncy, with great rollout." So really, we just need to get over that brown color. Dr. Bonos adds: "...agronomists and course superintendents have been working to alter the mind-set of golfers and clubs, who have come to expect grass to be pure green."

In addition, the USGA's Green Section Record recently published an article entitled "Breaking the Winter Green Addiction" that blames course marketing materials for sending the wrong impression:

"Flip through the pages of any golf or travel magazine and there will be numerous advertisements with photos of lush, green, highly manicured Florida golf courses. The majority of these pictures are taken during the summer, when grass is actively growing and indeed lush and green."

The article points out that tourists want to play golf in Florida during the fall, winter and spring - when the courses' natural state would not be so lush or green - which is why courses started overseeding in the first place. But reversing the overseeding trend is not limited to Florida. Many courses in the US - including the south and southwest - and also many courses internationally are slowly reducing their overseeding process.

That being said, I've spoken with Spanish golf environmental consultant Alejandro Nagy, who supports letting courses go brown for about three months of the year. In a recent article on elperiodigolf.com, Mr. Nagy reports that due to the "complicated climate" on the Iberian Peninsula, courses use just one grass type for both summer and winter play - adding that despite an "ugly face" during the winter, the courses have the same playability.

So does this mean our winter golf getaways will be tarnished by beige blades of grass? Not necessarily.

Alternative water sources, such as effluent water and seawater, can be used on courses for far less money than typical water sources - helping to reduce water waste. But this solution has drawbacks too - like the adverse reaction many types of grass have to saltwater. Nevertheless, studies are currently underway to ascertain which types of grass work best with alternative water supplies.

In the meantime, it appears we may have to endure aesthetics that are not exactly up to our "Augusta" expectations. But everything I've read for this post claims that's a good thing - the challenge is to get average golfers to embrace this notion too. And being an average guy myself, who am I to disagree? I say bring on the brown!

If The PGA Rules Allow It, Then It's Not Cheating

I don't know how much more clear it can possibly be. The rules say it's OK....so who's to say someone is doing wrong? Phil Mickelson used a club that is perfectly legal and within the rules. Can anyone please explain to me how this is cheating? Besides the obvious "within the rules" argument, I have numerous problems with this whole issue.

Problem #1 - Is it true a club that is over 20 years old provides an advantage over the equipment these guys are using today?! With all of the technology, research and development these club manufacturers put into their products these days, I find it incredibly amusing that a club which is practically an antique provides an advantage! If this is the case, then why the hell am I at my local golf shop checking out brand new sets of clubs, about to drop way too much bank, when the clubs I've been using for the past ten years may be better?!

Problem #2 - The fact that almost any club is banned from the tour is ridiculous enough. I mean for starters, these guys are using clubs that are custom fit to their exact specifications. And I don't mean just length and weight. They are engineered around that particular golfer. These are clubs that neither you or I will ever have the opportunity to own. "But that club provides too much spin....waaaahhh...waaaahhh.....waaaahhh." Shutup. You have a club head the size of a watermelon. The shaft is made of something currently being used on the International Space Station. You've worked with the best coaches, pros and trainers your whole life. But you're worried that someone else's club spins the ball more? Again....shutup.

Problem #3 - The focus on Lefty. If I read it correctly, Hunter Mahan, Brad Adamonis and John Daly also used these clubs. Did they cheat? Why is Scott McCarron not calling them out? Do they not matter? Is it OK if they cheat? Or is McCarron only mad that the current best player on the tour is "cheating?" Shutup.

Problem #4 - Scott McCarron. I don't know the first thing about him, but to quote Joe Pesci from My Cousin Vinny..."I'm tru wit dis guy." Really, Scott McCarron, who are you to call out Lefty for anything? Especially when what he did is within the rules! How can you call him a cheater? I'll tell you what...when you win more tournaments in your career than Phil wins in one year...then you can accuse. When you get yourself ranked higher than #92 on the money list (compared to Phil's #3 for 2009)...then you can accuse. When someone actually does something outside of the rules, thus it actually is cheating...then you can accuse. When you actually earn yourself some face-time with your play and not with your mouth...then you can accuse. Until then, shutup.

I'm willing to admit that if a club (or any piece of equipment) provides an unfair advantage, then a review of the rules must be done. But until then, if the club is allowed, then it's OK with me and should be OK with everyone else also. If it's legal, then every player has the opportunity to do the same. Whether they take advantage or not is their choice. It's like a baseball player using a maple bat. It provides an advantage because it's a harder wood and will obviously drive the ball farther and faster. It's kind of a crappy advantage, but it's within the rules. Therefore, it's not cheating.

So until the rules change and say it is not allowed, let's give it a rest.